It is nearly Halloween.  There are a few things you should be aware of.

Pumpkins are evil!!

Pumpkins are actually aliens. They feed on earth creatures by setting a 
trap. The big round orange thingies that we consider to be pumpkins are the 
decoys and bait. They lie around hoping to attract an unsuspecting creature 
(preferably a young child - pumpkins seem to be quite partial to young 
children). Once the child reaches the pumpkin all is lost. The pumpkin's 
evil green tentacles, which lie around unnoticed, grab the child by the 
ankles and drag him down to his doom.  It's not a pleasant way to go. In an 
attempt to warn children of the dangers of the pumpkin patch, a nursery 
rhyme was invented, "Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eaten".

Pumpkins first came to Earth about 200 million years ago as the advance 
party of an alien invasion fleet. The plan was to set up a beach-head on 
Earth, from where the alien pumpkin stormtroopers could spread out and 
occupy the Earth. Earth was ideal for the pumpkins' purposes as there was no 
sentient life to deal with. Sadly for the pumpkins - but thankfully for the 
human race - the invasion fleet still hasn't been despatched. Something 
about the lack of pumpkin body armour.

The pumpkin decoys are high in protein and were just the thing for growing 
dinosaurs to eat. The problem for the dinosaurs was how to avoid the evil 
green tentacles.  Some dinosaurs solved this problem by evolving very long 
necks so that they could stand outside the pumpkin patch and reach in to eat 
the decoys.  Most other animals tended to stay away from pumpkin patches and 
there were some very lean times ahead for the pumpkins. The instinctive fear 
that pumpkins instilled in animals suited some terrestrial plants however. 
Wasps and bees have yellow stripes to warn people of their sting. 
Hoverflies, although harmless, have also evolved yellow stripes to mimic 
wasps in the hope that people will leave them alone.  A similar process was 
followed by the terrestrial tomato plant. They evolved round red fruits that 
looked like small pumpkins to deter animals from coming too near them.

This worked very well, until mankind evolved.  Mankind had lost the 
instinctive fear of pumpkins and so they didn't keep their distance from 
tomatoes.  They didn't keep their distance from pumpkins either and all of a 
sudden it was pumpkin party time again. With thousands of deaths every year 
attributable to evil pumpkins, something had to be done. Nursery rhymes were 
written as warnings against straying too near to the pumpkin patch. An 
uneasy peace was formed between pumpkin and human that lasted up until the 
invention of the pizza in Europe at the end of the Roman Empire. Tomatoes 
feature prominently in pizza toppings. Such was the demand for pizzas that 
tomato production could not keep pace and so people, against their better 
judgement, starting looking towards the pumpkin patch.  In the last years of 
the Roman Empire, Roman deaths from pumpkin attacks rose exponentially. The 
Roman legions were drafted in to try and keep the citizens away from pumpkin 
patches, but the pumpkins simply ate the Roman soldiers instead. This meant 
that when the barbarians came knocking, there weren't enough Roman 
legionaries available to defend Rome itself and the Empire fell.

Something had to be done. The pumpkins had been responsible for the fall of 
the greatest civilisation the world had ever seen. It seemed that the 
pumpkin advance party had started their own campaign to quell human 
resistance even before the invasion fleet arrived. The battle between human 
and pumpkin raged for over five centuries until one man came up with the 
solution.

That man was Wenceslas, Duke of Bohemia. On a safari holiday to Kenya he saw 
giraffes and realised that they would be an ideal weapon in the war against 
the pumpkin. Wenceslas had thousands of domesticated giraffes shipped across 
to Europe where they were used as living cranes. In a similar manner to 
sauropod dinosaurs, giraffes could stand outside the pumpkin patch, reach 
over and grab a pumpkin. However, these pumpkins were never eaten. Instead, 
they were tortured to death in full view of the pumpkin patch. The tops of 
their heads were sliced off and their innards were brutally scooped out. 
Their bodies had scary faces carved into them and then candles were placed 
inside them. These hideous grinning carcases were left around the pumpkin 
patch as a warning to the pumpkins as to what would happen if they carried 
on killing children.

The Wenceslas Strategy was put into operation on 31 October 934 AD. It 
succeeded beyond all expectations and by late November the pumpkins had sued 
for peace. An Armistice was signed on St Stephen's Day that year. Wenceslas 
banished the pumpkins from the world and became the hero of Europe, saving 
mankind from the Pumpkin Terror. Sadly for Wenceslas, a pumpkin terrorist 
sleeper cell had vowed revenge on him. Less than a year later, Wenceslas was 
assassinated. Having died a martyr's death, Wenceslas was canonised by the 
Church. Saint Wenceslas is now the patron saint of pizzas. In memory of him, 
every October we practice the Wenceslas Strategy as a readiness exercise in 
case of pumpkin invasion and every St Stephen's Day (December 26th) we 
celebrate the signing of the armistice. As St Wenceslas is the patron saint 
of pizzas, we even sing songs remembering his pizza cooking preference.

What Wenceslas didn't know was that his "world" wasn't the whole of planet 
Earth. The pumpkins didn't leave the Earth, they simply withdrew to what 
woud become known as the New World, where they could regroup and rebuild 
their forces. Pumpkins eventually returned in secret to the Old World, 
stowing away in the cargo holds of Columbus' returning exploration fleet. 
Unfortunately when they got to Europe they found that the general population 
still remembered the Wenceslas Strategy and carried out annual readiness 
exercises.  Pumpkin morale was broken and they resigned themselves to having 
to wait for reinforcements from the long-overdue invasion fleet.

Thankfully it seems that we don't have to worry too much about that invasion 
fleet as we now have a weapon against the pumpkins. At the start of the 
twentieth century scientists discovered that pumpkins communicate through 
organic radio. Human radio sets can be built to broadcast on the same RF 
frequencies and jam pumpkin communications. A similar thing happens in the 
sea. Whales used to be able to communicate over fantastic distances but 
noise pollution from human activities tends to swamp whale communication.

Nowadays, most people have (usually unknowingly) a PPPD (Personal Pumpkin 
Protection Device).  PPPDs have a secondary use as mobile phones and are 
designed to broadcast on the very frequencies which pumpkins use to 
communicate. Modern pumpkin suppression policies are very effective.  Every 
31 October you will see families with young children (those most at risk 
from pumpkin attack) carrying out their Wenceslas Strategy readiness 
exercises. The children are always accompanied by a parent who is usually to 
be seen speaking on a mobile phone, thereby jamming nearby pumpkin 
communications and rendering any pumpkin attack troops inert.

So, for the time being, mankind is safe from the threat of pumpkin invasion. 
However, the price of safety is eternal vigilance. We should never let our 
guard down. If the pumpkins learn to communicate in another fashion - for 
instance via semaphore - it could be the end of civilisation as we know it.


-- 
Enzo

I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.

Following up to Enzo Matrix 

>  The pumpkin's 
> evil green tentacles, which lie around unnoticed, grab the child by the 
> ankles and drag him down to his doom.

well, if it stops trick and treat.......
-- 
Mike... .  .   .    .  
Spanish food "http://www.fell-walker.co.uk/espania.htm"
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