ARE YOU RON ATKINSON?

1. Describe your appearance.

a) Average size and build, reasonably good-looking.
b) Smallish and slight, quite handsome.
c) As fat as fuck, with a face like an old football, a nose the size of 
Cheshire and hair made out of Shredded Wheat.

2. Where do you keep your jewellery?

a) In a jewellery box.
b) Nowhere. You don't like jewellery.
c) Fort Knox.

3. You come home late from work one night to find that your wife hasn't done 
the housework or cooked tea. Why is this?

a) Because you share the responsibilities and tonight it's your turn.
b) Because she fancied taking it easy.
c) Because burglars have broken in and tied the ugly fat bitch to a fucking 
chair. And shit in the ashtrays.

4. If you hadn't been sacked as manger of Manchester United in 1986, what 
would have happened?

a) Nothing. You'd reached the end of the line with them and taken them as 
far as you could.
b) Perhaps you'd have built on the moderate success you'd already had.
c) You'd have gone on to win the championship practically every year, loads 
of doubles, the European Cup and become the manager of the most financially 
successful football club in the world.

5. Now tell the truth, what REALLY would have happened if you hadn't been 
sacked as manager of Manchester United in 1986?

a) You'd have gone on to win the championship practically every year, loads 
of doubles, the European Cup and become the manager of the most financially 
successful football club in the world.
b) Perhaps you'd have built on the moderate success you'd already had.
c) You'd have bollocksed it all up and the cunts would probably be in 
Division Three by now because, basically, you couldn't manage your own 
bowels. You useless fat piece of shit.

6. Why is Brain Lara the world's greatest cricketer?

a) Because he is naturally gifted and a dedicated sportsman of the highest 
calibre.
b) Because the statistics prove that he is.
c) Because you had him as a young lad at Villa and you knew then just how 
fucking brilliant he'd be...er...oh no...that was Dwight Yorke. Well, it's 
near enough. These coons all look the fucking same to you.

7. You are given the job as boss of a big European club, a real sleeping 
giant if ever there was one. What sort of job do you do?

a) A really successful one that takes the once-great club to the heights of 
European glory.
b) Moderately successful and one that pleases the fans without bringing too 
much in the way of glory.
c) Fucking shit. You're only there for three weeks and that's only to top up 
your fucking suntan. You fat beached whale.

8. And when managing a overseas team, how do you best make the effort to 
integrate with the foreigners over there?

a) By learning the language and adopting their customs.
b) By being yourself and hoping they accept you for what you are.
c) By insulting all the players, calling them all "Pablo" and shouting such 
pitch-side instructions as "Passo the ballo!" and "Arriba!" like some big 
fat demented version of Speedy fucking Gonzales. And then having the nerve 
to say you tried to fit in with them.

9. How many times have teams managed by you won fuck all?

a) None at all.
b) A couple of times.
c) Every fucking time you get the job. Because you're shit.

10. Where is your tongue?

a) Inside your mouth.
b) In your head.
c) Up Alex Ferguson's arse.

11. Why is Nigel Kennedy such a popular musician?

a) Because he works hard at his skills.
b) Because he is simply a naturally talented musician.
c) Because when you were manager at Villa you had him as a young lad there. 
You knew then just what a great virtuoso violinist he was, didn't you? You 
lying fat twat.

12. What do you put on your hair in the morning?

a) Nothing.
b) Brylcreem.
c) Half a pint of milk and three spoons of sugar.

13. Which of these do you think best describes the former French World Cup 
Winner and national team captain, Marcel Desailly?

a) Talented, a truly great player of the last 20 years.
b) A fine commanding defender who was an inspiration to every team he played 
in.
c) A bone idle lazy nigger.

14. When those burglars broke into your house, what did they use to tie up 
your wife?

a) A small length of pyjama cord.
b) A couple of strips of sello-tape.
c) Three rolls of industrial-strength gaffer, a rope off the QE2, twenty 
yards of bike chain and a 40 metre hose from the back garden. The fat bitch.

15. Who, in your opinion, is the greatest footballer of all time?

a) Pele.
b) Maradona.
c) Cyrille Regis.

16. What do you do for a living these days?

a) You are a successfull football manager and one of the most respected men 
in the game.
b) A top TV pundit and co-commentator, one of the most knowledgeable of your 
kind.
c) An after-dinner speaker who occasionally appears at the West Bromwich & 
District Bowls Club on a Friday night, warming up for Stu Francis.

17. As manager of Manchester United, which of these players did you let go 
because, in your opinion, they were surplus to requirements and would never 
progress any further?

a) Graeme Hogg and Scott McGarvey.
b) Paddy Roche and John Gidman.
c) David Platt and Peter Beardsley. You fucking thick cunt.

18. What would you describe as the pinnacle of your footballing career?

a) Managing a team to become Champions of Europe.
b) Becoming the England boss and leading your country through a successful 
World Cup campaign.
c) Winning the Carling Littlewoods Cup with Sheffield fucking Wednesday. Oh, 
sorry, you won the FA Cup with The Scum in '85. How could we forget that 
glorious triumph compared to all the shit-all that your Old Trafford 
predecessor hasn't achieved?

19. Your side has just won an important game. How do you celebrate with the 
players afterwards?

a) By treating them all to a champagne civic reception.
b) Send them and their families on a holdiay to the Caribbean.
c) Burst into the changing rooms with a towel the size of Morocco round your 
fat gut, grab a toilet brush and pretend it's a microphone then treat them 
to a tuneless version of 'New York, New York'. You pathetic fat lump of 
cunt-gristle.

20. Finally, which famous three people, past or present, would you invite to 
a dinner party?

a) Nelson Mandela, John F Kennedy and Mother Theresa.
b) Winston Churchill, Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe.
c) Adolf Hitler, Freddie Starr and Bernard Manning. You fat racist shit.

Answers:

Mainly a: You're not Ron Atkinson.
Mainly b: Nice try, but neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done! You are indeed Big Ron himself, the man credited with 
singlehandedly ruining the hopes, dreams and aspirtaions of millions of 
football fans of various teams down the years, as well as destroying decades 
of good work in broadcasting race relations with one utterance from your fat 
rubber-lipped gob. If only you took as much time not wearing jewellery and 
making sure your fat-arsed wife doesn't get tied to chairs by burglars after 
your haul of medals and Manager Of The Month awards (ha!) and dedicated it 
to doing what you're supposed to do, you might actually be of some use. You 
fat overbloated cunting pile of turd.