Rugby : A bunch of men trying to kick the ball over the bar. Or failing 
that placing it under the bar by hand. Or to either side. Or kicking the 
ball out of play in a really clever way. It's very tactical apparently.

Golf : Two men trying to get a ball down a hole as quickly as possible.

Tennis : The same two men trying to hit a smaller ball over the top of a 
perfectly acceptable onion bag. It can bounce once, but twice is bad.

Cricket : You tell me.

American Football : Killing your wife and getting away with it.

Snooker : Hitting a ball with your stick and hoping it goes in a hole. 
Or stopping the other person from doing it by spoiling the game. Surely 
this game should've been called "Twat"?

Athletics : Going in a circle. Faster than the other guy who took the 
drugs to make him go faster, but he's now “clean”. You can "boo" him but 
you can't express a political opinion.

Motor Sports : See above.

-- 
"If you were on a rocket flying to the moon the man you would want 
sitting next to you would be Tony Mowbray"
Bruce Rioch, 1986

"Tommo ³"  wrote in message 
news:uNWdnQ8Wwdi_AzLanZ2dnUVZ8hednZ2d@bt.com...
> Rugby : A bunch of men trying to kick the ball over the bar. Or failing 
> that placing it under the bar by hand. Or to either side. Or kicking the 
> ball out of play in a really clever way. It's very tactical apparently.
>
> Golf : Two men trying to get a ball down a hole as quickly as possible.
>
> Tennis : The same two men trying to hit a smaller ball over the top of a 
> perfectly acceptable onion bag. It can bounce once, but twice is bad.
>
> Cricket : You tell me.
>
> American Football : Killing your wife and getting away with it.
>
> Snooker : Hitting a ball with your stick and hoping it goes in a hole. Or 
> stopping the other person from doing it by spoiling the game. Surely this 
> game should've been called "Twat"?
>
> Athletics : Going in a circle. Faster than the other guy who took the 
> drugs to make him go faster, but he's now “clean”. You can "boo" him but 
> you can't express a political opinion.
>
> Motor Sports : See above.

I like these a lot.  Maybe we could add the following:

Basketball:  A bunch of freakishly tall men trying to get a ball in a 
high-up hole.

Baseball:  A bunch of men trying to hit a ball as far away as possible and 
then run round a square before it comes back.

Boxing:  Two men hitting each other.

Ice-Hockey:  Trying to hit a small disk into a small onion bag with a big 
stick, while brawling.

Javelin:  Hunting without prey.


-- 
Joe

"I am the fat puddin', but a single puddingness" - Vicky Conlan

On Feb 11, 2:00 pm, Tommo ³  wrote:
[snip]

Basketball: game for genetic freaks with large amounts of jewellry.

Netball: female version of basketball but played with blu-tak on the
soles of the shoes.

Waterpolo: Water sport not involving mints. Or pissing. Well,
definitely not mints.

M

Joe Horowitz wrote:
> "Tommo ³"  wrote in message 
> news:uNWdnQ8Wwdi_AzLanZ2dnUVZ8hednZ2d@bt.com...
>> Rugby : A bunch of men trying to kick the ball over the bar. Or failing 
>> that placing it under the bar by hand. Or to either side. Or kicking the 
>> ball out of play in a really clever way. It's very tactical apparently.
>>
>> Golf : Two men trying to get a ball down a hole as quickly as possible.
>>
>> Tennis : The same two men trying to hit a smaller ball over the top of a 
>> perfectly acceptable onion bag. It can bounce once, but twice is bad.
>>
>> Cricket : You tell me.
>>
>> American Football : Killing your wife and getting away with it.
>>
>> Snooker : Hitting a ball with your stick and hoping it goes in a hole. Or 
>> stopping the other person from doing it by spoiling the game. Surely this 
>> game should've been called "Twat"?
>>
>> Athletics : Going in a circle. Faster than the other guy who took the 
>> drugs to make him go faster, but he's now “clean”. You can "boo" him but 
>> you can't express a political opinion.
>>
>> Motor Sports : See above.
> 
> I like these a lot.  Maybe we could add the following:
> 
> Basketball:  A bunch of freakishly tall men trying to get a ball in a 
> high-up hole.
> 
> Baseball:  A bunch of men trying to hit a ball as far away as possible and 
> then run round a square before it comes back.
> 
> Boxing:  Two men hitting each other.
> 
> Ice-Hockey:  Trying to hit a small disk into a small onion bag with a big 
> stick, while brawling.
> 
> Javelin:  Hunting without prey.
> 
> 

Yes, and all card games, namely fucking Poker : Being lucky but 
pretending you're cool. I can't believe they televise this shit now. 
Take their stupid shades off them and they're just the same lucky people 
without shades.

Competition lines : Paying 1.00 a pop, finally getting through, and 
being told that marmoset isn't a proper monkey. Christ, there's some 
thick people out there. I won't do that again.

-- 
"If you were on a rocket flying to the moon the man you would want 
sitting next to you would be Tony Mowbray"
Bruce Rioch, 1986

Mister M wrote:
> On Feb 11, 2:00 pm, Tommo ³  wrote:
> [snip]
> 
> Basketball: game for genetic freaks with large amounts of jewellry.
> 
> Netball: female version of basketball but played with blu-tak on the
> soles of the shoes.
> 
> Waterpolo: Water sport not involving mints. Or pissing. Well,
> definitely not mints.
> 
> M
> 

Billiards : Do the Snooker thing, but now going "in off" is good. Jesus, 
why don't they just lower the bar so every fucking retard can jump over it?

I think we're agreed that onion bag sports make the most sense. It gives 
us a goal.

-- 
"If you were on a rocket flying to the moon the man you would want 
sitting next to you would be Tony Mowbray"
Bruce Rioch, 1986

On 11 Feb, 01:00, Tommo ³  wrote:
<snip>

Curling: Teams of people holding mops have epileptic fits while trying
to guide a disk down an icy path.

Twenty Twenty Cricket: Blowing away hundreds of years of stuffy, tie-
wearing tradition, two teams attempt to hit the ball extremely fucking
hard. It's only a matter of time before un-coordinated spectators
receive severe twattage trying to catch a massive six.

Biathlon: Sport for people who aren't good enough at either shooting
or skating.

Triathlon: Sport for people who aren't good enough at running,
swimming or cycling.

Heptathlon: Sport for people who aren't good enough at running,
jumping, reading, mowing, felching, teabagging and crochetry.

Decathlon: No longer in existence since Daley Thompson opted to join
Mansfield Town, with predictably hilarious results.

Kabaddi: Indian variation on playground favourite "Tick" or "Tag".
Played by men in underpants.

Sumo: Fat bastards give each other painful wedgies.

UFC Cage Fighting: Failed boxers, mullet-headed hicks and Butterbean
compete in a homo-erotic take on Boxing. Fights typically start with a
few crap punches or kicks, before one of the combatants trip the other
one up and sit on their head choking the life out of them, while
simultaneously gouging out eyes. The referee normally steps in as soon
as permanent brain damage is received.

Badminton: For people who haven't played, a big soft game played by
tarts who don't want to get hurt by a nasty hard ball. For people who
have played, an unbelievably quick game played by Jedis with Spidey
Sense.

Showjumping: Horse-faced aristocrats and minor horse-faced royals ride
horse-faced horses in front of a horse-faced crowd of twats from the
Home Counties. Even the horses have an affected 'posh' gallop.

Curling - sweeping the ice with a brush as fast as you can, bizzarre

Polo: Rich South Americans and purposeless minor royals trying to cop 
off with posh totty.

Greyhound Racing: A group of anorexic dogs race a toy rabbit and lose.

Squash: Two men in a box trying to stop a ball from getting out.

"Tommo ³"  wrote in message 
news:uNWdnQ8Wwdi_AzLanZ2dnUVZ8hednZ2d@bt.com...
> Rugby : A bunch of men trying to kick the ball over the bar. Or failing 
> that placing it under the bar by hand. Or to either side. Or kicking the 
> ball out of play in a really clever way. It's very tactical apparently.
>
> Golf : Two men trying to get a ball down a hole as quickly as possible.
>
> Tennis : The same two men trying to hit a smaller ball over the top of a 
> perfectly acceptable onion bag. It can bounce once, but twice is bad.
>
> Cricket : You tell me.
>
> American Football : Killing your wife and getting away with it.
>
> Snooker : Hitting a ball with your stick and hoping it goes in a hole. Or 
> stopping the other person from doing it by spoiling the game. Surely this 
> game should've been called "Twat"?
>
> Athletics : Going in a circle. Faster than the other guy who took the 
> drugs to make him go faster, but he's now “clean”. You can "boo" him but 
> you can't express a political opinion.
>
> Motor Sports : See above.


Rowing: A short wiry cunt barks orders to some other, burlier, cunts in a 
stupid uncomfortable little boat that doesn't even have a bar'n'shit.

BTN