England's new alpha romeo male Fabio Capello has rocked the national 
team's underachieving flops with a regime which is aimed at promoting 
respect, reinforcing team work, and generally scaring he bejesus out of 
our goody bag blagging big time Charlies.

*OUT* will be sandals, flip flops, and anything else which David Beckham 
might think makes him appear more metrosexual.
*OUT* too for mobile phones, and anything else Ashley Cole might like to 
stick up the old A hole-e-o.
*OUT* will go nick names. No more will the training ground ring to the 
camp squeals of “Stevie Gee, over here mate, on me 'ead” and “Ferdy, 
Ferdy, Ferdy!”.

*IN* for communal eating, just like Fabio's Mamma used to make. The 
England players will soon be enjoying Fabio's tasty meat balls,with his 
own special sauce.
*IN* too will be punctuality, which should help Rio Ferdinand remember 
his drug testing appointments.

It's tough times ahead for the England team, and with the WAGs banned 
only Ashley Cole and Jermaine Jenas are expecting any sort of rumpy 
pumpy on tour.

Quite whether this will bring improved results remains to be seen, but 
as Capello explained “This is a carrot and stick approach. The carrot 
being that if you do what the fuck you're told you don't get the stick”.