uk.people.bdsm FAQ v0.6
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions on uk.people.bdsm
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Subject: 0.0 Introduction.
Hi there. If you are reading this FAQ on uk.people.bdsm, welcome to the
group.
If you are just skimming this FAQ before posting, and would like your post to
be read and well-received, there is information on what sort of posts are
acceptable in Subject 7.1.1, and how best to go about introducing yourself in
Subject 7.1.7.
The information in this FAQ is sorted by topic into sections, and the best
order to read it in will depend on whether you are new to the UK, the Net or
BDSM. If you have read it before, Subject 0.1 lists what's new.
Warning: This article contains material that is both sexually explicit
and complex in nature. If you aren't up to that, go elsewhere.
PART I
SECTION 0 - about this FAQ
PART II
SECTION 1 - about BDSM
SECTION 2 - about the Net
SECTION 3 - about BDSM on the Net
PART III
SECTION 4 - about the UK
SECTION 5 - about BDSM in the UK
SECTION 6 - about the UK on the Net
SECTION 7 - about BDSM in the UK on the Net
Note: The way the sections are split into parts for posting will determined by
the 64K article size limit on some machines. While this is a draft PART II is
being further split when posted. The full document can be found on the Web at:
<http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/faq/>
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Subject: 0.1 What's in this FAQ?
Questions about this FAQ:
0.0 Introduction.
0.1 What's in this FAQ?
0.2 Who is responsible for this FAQ?
0.3 How complete is this FAQ and how can I help?
Questions about BDSM:
1.0.0 What is BDSM?
1.0.1 Why do you choose to use the term "BDSM" for that?
1.0.2 What is 'the' Scene? Am I part of it?
1.0.3 What is B&D?
1.0.4 What is D&S?
1.0.5 What is S&M?
1.0.6 What other general BDSM terms are there?
1.1.0 "Safe"
1.1.1 Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet.
1.1.2 Restraint. Suspension. Mummification.
* 1.1.3 Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation.
1.1.4 Cutting. Burning. Branding. Wax. Electricity.
* 1.1.5 Body modification. Permanent piercings. Play piercings.
1.1.6 Genitorture. C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps.
- 1.1.7 Scat. Enemas. Watersports. Golden showers. Catheters.
1.1.8 Butt plug training. Anal sex. Fisting.
- 1.1.9 AIDS. Safer sex. Cleaning toys. Meeting strangers for the first time.
* 1.1.10 What steps can I take to reduce the risks in BDSM?
1.2.0 "Sane"
1.2.1 Why is B&D fun?
- 1.2.2 Why is D&S fun?
1.2.3 Why is S&M fun?
1.2.4 What is 'real' BDSM? Does what I do count?
* 1.2.5 Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving.
1.2.6 Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading?
- 1.2.7 My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into BDSM?
1.2.8 Negotiation. Emotional safety. Care after scenes. Abusers.
1.3.0 "Consensual"
1.3.1 Safewords. Non-verbal safewords. Implicit safewords.
- 1.3.2 Club and play party rules. Codes. Voyeurs.
- 1.3.3 Pushing limits, expectations and mistakes, mindfucks.
1.3.4 Role-playing. Control. Topping from the bottom.
- 1.3.5 No safeword-scenes. 24/7 relationships.
- 1.3.6 How can I become a better bottom?
- 1.3.7 How can I become a better top?
1.4.0 Toys
1.4.1 How to make your own. Cheap toys.
- 1.4.2 Stealth toys.
- 1.4.3 Who makes the best quality whips?
[ a long running question never definitively answered :-) ]
- 1.4.4 How 'thuddy' or 'stingy' are floggers made from different materials?
- 1.5.0 People
- 1.5.1 My partner has never tried BDSM. How can I addict hir?
- 1.5.2 My partner isn't into BDSM. Can I go to clubs for non-sexual play?
1.5.3 Oh my god. My mother just looked in my closet. What do I do?
1.5.4 How out do I 'have' to be? SM Pride. BDSM symbols.
- 1.6.0 Information
1.6.1 Books
- 1.6.2 Magazines
- 1.6.3 Films and videos.
Questions about the Net:
- 2.0 I'm not on the Net. What is it? And what are email, news and URLs?
2.1 What are FAQs?
2.2 I'm new to the Net. What should I do? Where can I find out more?
2.3 Why does it matter if I post something to an inappropriate group?
- 2.4 Trolls. Cross-posting. Flamewars. Forging addresses.
- 2.5 What is spam? Why is it evil? What should I do about it?
- 2.6 Anonymity. Finger. Net names. Outing. Harassing email.
- 2.7 How do I killfile posters/threads I don't like?
2.8 What can I do if my ISP doesn't take a newsgroup I want to use?
2.9 What is IRC? How do I get onto the different nets?
Questions about BDSM on the Net:
- 3.1.0 What is there about BDSM?
- 3.1.1 Newsgroups
3.1.2 IRC
- 3.1.3 Web sites - pictures
3.1.4 Web sites - stories
3.1.5 Web sites - other
- 3.1.6 Muds, talkers, virtual worlds, bulletin boards
- 3.2 Related areas
[ Actually, the whole of section 3 needs thinking about. Ideas anybody? ]
Questions about the UK:
4.0 What is the UK?
4.1 I'm visiting the UK. Have you any advice?
Questions about BDSM in the UK:
5.1 Is BDSM against the law?
5.1.1 Countdown on Spanner
- 5.1.2 "Secret" magazine impounded by Customs
- 5.2 How can I find out about groups, clubs and events in the UK?
- 5.2.1 What's up with Whiplash? Where is the Fetish Fair/Market?
- 5.3 Do contact magazines only list commercial dominatrixes?
- 5.4 Equipment sources. BDSM-aware lawyers & other professionals.
5.5.0 Play parties
5.5.1 I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?
5.5.2 I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?
* 5.5.3 I want to attend a club, but I'm frightened. What's it like?
* 5.5.4 What does a dungeon monitor at a club actually do?
- 5.6 What is the scene like in the UK?
- 5.6.1 Is the UK more like the east or west coast USA stereotype?
- 5.7 What is the history of the scene in the UK? The Hellfire club, etc.
[ Does information on Cynthia Payne, etc. belong in the FAQ? ]
- 5.7.1 What is the 'English' vice? Are there still canes in schools?
- 5.8.0 I want to find a play partner. Have you any advice?
- 5.8.1 Advice to men seeking female bottoms.
- 5.8.2 Advice to men seeking female tops.
- 5.8.3 Advice to gay men.
- 5.8.4 Advice to gay women.
- 5.8.5 Advice to straight women.
Questions about the UK on the Net:
- 6.1 How do I get on the Net in the UK?
6.2 Am I still welcome in uk.* groups if I don't live in the UK?
Questions about BDSM in the UK on the Net:
- 7.1.0 The uk.people.bdsm newsgroup
7.1.1 Its Charter
7.1.2 Its History
- 7.1.3 Its web site
- 7.1.4 Its users
- 7.1.5 Its distribution (which providers take it)
- 7.1.6 Its munches
7.1.7 Hi, I'm new to this group. What should I do?
- 7.1.8 Quote!
7.2.0 Links - BDSM
* 7.2.1 UK BDSM Clubs online
* 7.2.2 UK BDSM Magazines online
* 7.2.3 UK BDSM Event Listings online
* 7.2.4 UK BDSM Web sites - other
* 7.2.5 UK BDSM bulletin boards, talkers, IRC channels, etc.
- 7.3.0 Links - related areas [ The whole of 7.3 needs thinking about. ]
- 7.3.1 Pornography
- 7.3.2 Sex, swingers, personals, polyamory.
- 7.3.4 TV, TS, fetish fashion, piercing, rituals, paganism, Goths, etc.
[ Maybe we should limit it to one link per subject? No idea ]
7.3.5 Liberty. UK anti-censorship campaign. Leydig trust.
- = nobody has volunteered to deal with this subject yet.
+ = someone is writing the answer but hasn't submitted it yet.
* = subject has been added or altered since last version.
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Subject: 0.2 Who is responsible for this FAQ?
This FAQ was originally collated by Pallando, and is currently being
maintained by Peter Green. The material in it, though, was authored by the
folks on uk.people.bdsm, with additional ideas and material from the
alt.sex.bondage FAQ (now the soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ) by Rob
Jellinghaus .
All rights over the material (including copyright) remain with the authors,
except as explicitly granted otherwise. The authors, while attempting to make
their answers reflect the opinion on the group at time of writing, make no
guarantees the information is true, complete, safe or even funny. For that
matter, if you think you have any sort of promise from any past or present
collator, maintainer, *.answers moderator or web archiver, dream on.
That having been said, permission is hereby granted for this material to be
Read;
Stored on-line for uses that are non-profit;
Stored off-line for uses that are both non-profit and personal;
Used (in printed form) as part of perverse and bizarre sexual acts; and
Stored on- or off-line as necessary for Usenet distribution and browsing
providing any edits are indicated as such, and this answer is included.
If you are archiving this FAQ on a website, if there are any problems with its
distribution, if you have any material for it, or feedback on it, please email
the maintainer (see email address in 'Maintainer:' header).
------------------------------
Subject: 0.3 How complete is this FAQ and how can I help?
FAQs are living documents, and are never completely finished. You can always
help by spotting errors and emailing the Maintainer with suggested alterations
or additions to current answers. Pointing out new questions that are being
frequently asked on the group, or are likely to be, is also helpful.
In the case of this uk.people.bdsm FAQ, the answer is "not at all complete".
It is still in draft stage. That means it is not being archived at MIT, is
has not yet been accepted by the moderators of the *.answers newsgroups, and
that it may well be posted more frequently than once a month.
Volunteers are needed to answer most of the questions in parts 2 and 3. If you
have a few spare moments, pick a question, email me so I can mark it as being
handled, then get writing! Your answer does not have to be complete or
perfect, since the group will be able to add corrections once it is in the
next version; any answer at all is useful because it provides a basis to
comment on and refine.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.0 What is BDSM?
Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and S&M".
In practice the term is often used in a more general sense to cover the range
of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as fetishes, body modification and
alternative sexualities, and it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and
Consensually (SSC).
Briefly, SSC means respecting your partner's body, mind & free will. (For more
detail see Subject 1.1, 1.2 & 1.3)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.1 Why do you choose to use the term "BDSM" for that?
Consider the alternatives:
"SM" - doesn't cover D&S.
"bondage" - doesn't cover S&M.
"kinky" - Has negative connotations in some areas.
"pervy" - Has negative connotations in most areas.
"wiitwd" - Not used off the Net. (means: what it is that we do).
"BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas,
and is sufficiently specific to be useful while being inclusive enough not to
leave large groups within the Scene feeling rejected.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.2 What is 'the' Scene? Am I part of it?
"a toy" - a piece of equipment that you use for BDSM (e.g. a whip).
"to play" - to participate in a BDSM activity (e.g. spanking). It does
not imply any particular level of seriousness or reality.
"a scene" - an uninterrupted session during which the participants
are actually playing, and can last from seconds to a
lifetime. It does not have to have an audience, nor
does it imply roleplay, S&M, or any one specific element.
"the Scene" - the BDSM community. It can mean both the people who
play together, and the events that bring them together.
If you believe in doing BDSM activities, and you identify with the Scene, then
you are part of it. There is no entrance exam, no initiation ritual, you
don't have to be into any particular aspect of BDSM nor do you have to be a
recognised public player. There is no particular virtue in being an old or
heavy player; so don't be intimidated if you are not, you are just
as welcome here. (See also Subject 1.2.4 and Subject 1.5.4)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.3 What is B&D?
"B&D" stands for "Bondage and Discipline".
"controller" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions
"controllee" - one who wants their physical actions to be controlled
Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline).
"bondage" - any form of physical restraint or hindrance. Devices
commonly used include cuffs, ropes, chains, corsets,
gags, blindfolds and large pieces of furniture, or a
controller can immobilised a controllee with no devices
at all -- just by sitting on them. ;-)
Bondage is often combined with inflicting pain, and
tight bondage or uncomfortable positions can be used
in order to inflict pain: however, that is not intrinsic
to bondage. Bondage can also be used to stimulate the
body -- Japanese rope bondage is not only an art form,
it deliberately uses knots to massage sensitive points.
"discipline" - the use of rules and punishment to control overt behaviour.
Punishment can be pain caused physically (such as caning),
humiliation caused physically (such as a public enema) or
loss of freedom caused physically (such as chaining the
controllee to the foot of a bed, for snoring). Bondage
when used as a punishment is still bondage, but because
it is overtly being done in response to a 'rule' being
broken, it is also part of the discipline.
Punishment does not need to be physical. It can be loss
of privileges (such as having an orgasm this month), being
ordered to do a task (such as writing lines on a blackboard)
on threat of further punishment if not finished correctly,
it can be verbal humiliation, or really any act that you
can inflict on the controllee or get them to inflict on
themselves that they don't like. Rules can be applied
randomly by dominants as a tool for disorienting a sub,
or by a sadist in order to have an excuse to inflict lots
of fun pain, but a disciplinarian is one who enjoys gaining
control over someone's physical actions and apparent
behaviour by training them to obey stated rules.
Discipline is often combined with playing roles such as student/teacher,
worker/boss, nurse/doctor or servant/noble, to give a context for the rules.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.4 What is D&S?
"D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission". It can also be written "Ds",
"D/s", "D&s" or "D/S".
"dominant" - one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom").
"submissive" - one who wants to submit to someone (also "sub").
Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions by
the manipulation of their mind and body. This may or may not be then used to
discipline their physical actions; it can be sufficient to own their soul, but
tangible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable.
The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that the Disciplinarian
cares that the bottom does obey, while not minding whether they wanted to or
not. The Dominant cares that the bottom wants to obey, and only minds whether
they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to. Of course
someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things.
In BDSM relationships the dominant should take the submissive's interests and
needs into account: however, this is not the same as saying they will do
everything the sub wants or enjoys.
Submission is the voluntary offering up of control over one's own volition.
Perfecting a genuine selflessness and desire to serve, worship and obey can be
a lifelong project: however, there are many forms of D&S relationship and the
dominant does not usually gain control totally or hold it permanently.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.5 What is S&M?
"S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "SadoMasochism". It can also be
written "SM" or "S/M".
"sadist" - one who wants to inflict physical pain.
"masochist" - one who wants to receive physical pain.
The terms "Sadism" and "Masochism" originated with two real people whose names
the medical profession used for the respective conditions: however, S&M as it
is practised as part of BDSM has little to do with the clinical conditions
as defined in DSMIV, so I shall ignore them here (details in Subject 1.2.5).
"physical mods" - a deliberate and ornamental change in the body's structure
that does not risk impairing needed functionality (e.g. an ear piercing).
"physical hurt" - a painful insult to the body, causing only repairable
physical damage. Any impairment must be limited to less than a finite planned
maximum in magnitude and duration.
"physical harm" - physical damage that risks unacceptable or indeterminate
impairment of needed functionality.
In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without
causing physical harm. There are many devices available to help a sadist do
this. Among the most popular ones dedicated to this purpose are paddles,
floggers, straps, canes, crops, whips, cats and clamps. Hands, candles, ice
cubes, needles, knives, feathers and electricity can be just as fun. Hardware
stores are fun to visit with a kinky mind.
Not everyone responds to sensations in the same way. Some people prefer a
stingy cane to a heavy paddle. Some people prefer tickling to a cane. Some
people prefer a paddle to tickling. There is no right or wrong amount of pain
to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it should feel to you.
(See in particular Subject 1.2.3)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.0.6 What other general BDSM terms are there?
"master" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a sub.
"slave" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a dom.
These terms are used in a great variety of conflicting ways.
They might be used by one couple when doing a one-off role-
playing scene, based on historical slavery. Another couple
may define their whole relationship on that basis, using
welded collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no-safeword
agreement to make it as permanent as possible.
"top" - someone who is a controller, dominant and/or sadist.
"bottom" - someone who is a controllee, submissive and/or masochist.
These used to have slightly different meanings in the
gay community ("one who penetrates" versus "one who is
penetrated"). In our context they are just generic
terms that do not imply whether the player is heavily
into D&S or not.
By definition: all masters are dominants.
all dominants are tops.
all slaves are submissives.
all submissives are bottoms.
but not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether the
player has any interest in S&M or B&D. To confuse matters further, some men
will describe themselves as masters, without being dominant, in hope of
getting to play with submissives. Mistress is a fairly direct equivalent term
for women, but Sir, Lord, Lady, Madam, Goddess, or any other formal title
probably indicates an interest in topping.
"SAM" - Smart Arsed Masochist. Used to mean a bottom who is
into S&M but not D&S, and who behaves in a disrespectful
manner in order to get more punishments. Dates from '70s.
Also used pejoratively to mean someone who tries to take
total control of a scene while claiming to be submissive.
"YKINMK" - Your Kink Is Not My Kink.
"MKIBTYK" - My Kink Is Better Than Your Kink.
"YKINOK" - Your Kink Is Not Okay.
"YKIOK,IJNMK" - Your Kink is OK, It's Just Not My Kink.
"AKIBTN" - Any Kink Is Better Than None.
"TMPTAWWTLO" - The Missionary Position Twice A Week With The Lights Off.
"vanilla" - Something not part of the Scene. Often used to describe
parts of your life, as well as people or activities. Usage
is similar to that of "mundane" by the Science Fiction
community. Its use is sometimes considered pejorative,
though not by gourmets who eat the real thing, apparently
:-), and probably should not be used to include alternative
sexual practices that are part of BDSM in the wider sense.
"missionaries" - If vanilla sex is what you imagine your parents having,
then 'missionaries' are more "It's my birthday. Do you
reckon you can go on top tonight darling?". Pejorative.
"munch" - Social meet of an on-line BDSM group. May or may not
include food, drink and or play. Will include talk and fun.
"edge play" - There is disagreement on what this means. Some people use
it to refer to play on the edge of consensuality (e.g.
pushing limits). Others mean the edge of safety (e.g. play
that has a significant risk of causing death or permanent
damage). It can therefore be of vital importance to know
which definition your potential top is using.
"torture" - BDSM with a heavy S&M element and strict control.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.0 "Safe"
Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means
taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are
associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go
ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimising the balance
between risk and reward for everybody involved.
If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on
what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's up to you to
see that they're comfortable and kept amused. The "amusement" can be as nasty
as you please, but see that they don't get _bored_; that's seldom fun.)
Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among other things) such
items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for _all_ locks, bandage scissors (with
one flat blade) for speedy bondage removal, a First Aid kit with all the
standard first aid items, disinfectant (such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys
which come in contact with bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes
including several varieties of lubricant -- different people like different
sorts), and so on. See _SM 101_ (a book listed in Subject 1.6.1) for an
excellent description of such a kit.
Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be
fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! See the rest of the answers
1.1.* for activity specific hints and how-tos.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.1 Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet.
One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching someone.
People who are just getting into SM frequently play with spanking; it's fun to
be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a strong stimulus, it hurts very
pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked anyone for a long time you know that
your spanking hand wears out quickly!
Well, that's what whips are for -- to allow you to hit someone for a longer
time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips (cat-o-nine
tails, heavy floggers, canes, light braided switches, suede pussy whips, and
on and on), all of which feel very different and which have their own
individual effect. A whip-loving top will often carry a veritable arsenal of
different floggers, but they are all extensions of the top's touch. Indeed,
when I whip or cane someone, I feel as though I _am_ touching them -- as
though the instrument is an extension of my arm and my desire.
There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will
often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitise the
bottom and get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and
heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to
additional sensation. Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any
kind of tactile journey the top desires -- switching from stinging light
switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel GREAT when your
top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth against your back!
Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical sensation.
Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being "thuddy" or "stingy".
Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove you, they feel like a cross
between a hug and a punch. Stingy whips land with a bite; they feel like a
cross between a scratch and a slap. Both kinds of sensation are enjoyable in
different ways, and a skilled top can alternate thud and sting (and then
some!) to create waves of sensation that wash their bottom into ecstasy.
Most people enjoy a slow build-up when being whipped. This can culminate in
an explosive climax of impacts, leaving both top and bottom drained and
delighted. Or it can wind down gently, ending casually. Or it can stop
feeling good suddenly, resulting in a safeword. Or it can turn into a
galloping intense sex scene! But the general "start slow, build up, end
intensely" tempo is common to many SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW
and then back to gentle, then a little stronger, then WOW!!... and gentle
again. It's the motion of the ocean, as they say. It takes practice to know
how to use this to blow your bottom's mind, but the more you learn, the more
skilled you will be, and believe me, these skills -- teasing your partner and
making them feel better and better and BETTER -- are very useful in non-SM
contexts as well!
Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use paddles -- of leather or
wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to decrease air resistance and make for
a harder impact. Paddles produce a solid "smack!" which can feel like a
super-powerful spanking. Some players like canes, which can be thick or thin,
stiff or relatively flexible. Canes can produce some of the strongest impacts
of all -- the "whick!" of a quick-moving cane is distinctive. Not everyone
can handle the intensely-focused pain canes can produce, but those who can
tend to greatly enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have been
pressed into service as instruments of flagellation. For a while, Nerf bats
were very popular in some San Francisco parties I went to. (Bonk!) If none of
this makes any sense to you -- well, if you have to ask, you might not
understand.
Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a "punishment" scene, in
which the pretext for the scene is that the bottom has been disobedient or
naughty in some way which requires chastisement. This can be fun to do as
role-playing, but it may not work in a more long-term D&S dynamic. Bottoms
often find it erotic to receive non-damaging sensation from their top -- and
of course any scene causing permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your
bottom learns that the best way to get enjoyably beaten is to misbehave, you
will have a very bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate
"play" punishments (which are intended to be fun) from "real" punishments
involving seriously broken agreements. Here is where reality and fantasy need
to be delicately separated, and here is where the real world differs from S&M
fiction.
When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on the back
or buttocks, simply because those are the parts of the body which can take it
most readily. Be careful of hitting the spine, which can break the skin where
the vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay away from the kidneys, as
kidney damage can occur if you hit them too hard. Stay away from the neck,
for the same reasons you avoided the spine.
Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter than you'd
think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can break the skin,
which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string whips are tough to clean.
For this reason, some dedicated masochists have their own toys which have come
in contact with their blood, and henceforth can be used only on them.
Whippings like this are very strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out
light and get only as heavy as you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones),
as will light cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid unintended
damage that won't be so accommodating.
One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing): melanoma, a form
of skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If you see a mole on your
bottom's back that looks uneven, discoloured, or different than it used to,
avoid that area, and have them see a dermatologist.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.2 Restraint. Suspension. Mummification.
Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning blue;
those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it ought to, and
that isn't what you want to have happen. If your bottom's hands are bound
inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible to you, ask them to
wiggle their fingers or toes or whatever and see if they're losing any
feeling. It can be tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in
general, a good rule is to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can
tighten such a tie with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a
real drag to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a scene; this
kind of thing can feel very annoying and distracting, and can make it hard for
your bottom to concentrate on what you are making them feel.
Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening under
tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off. If you're a
novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by purchasing a pair of basic
ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, Velcro, or whatever) at an adult toy store;
and if you get embarrassed, remember the old standby excuse: "It's a joke
wedding gift!"
Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Shoddy cuffs (the kind you
buy at the sporting goods store) are liable to break while being worn -- then
you have to file them off. If you want to play with handcuffs, get a good
quality pair; the usual brand is Peerless, and they'll cost about $30, with a
double lock so you can snap them on and then lock them so they won't get
tighter under pressure (as cheap cuffs will). Handcuffs are also bare metal,
and aren't good to struggle against, as they can easily pinch nerves...
padded, buckling bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games.
Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie someone
up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other devices
buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality you must consider: what if
the house is burgled? catches on fire? earthquake? any sort of emergency?
Fun is fun, but a helpless person is just that: helpless. A willing partner
is too precious to take risks with.
Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts any
pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness quickly,
as the carotid arteries go right to the brain. Likewise be careful with gags
or things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting breathing, they can
trigger a gag reflex, which could be really nasty (read: fatal) if the bottom
can't get the gag out, and vomits. See the advice in Subject 1.1.3 on
safewords for use while gagged.
Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort
of tight bondage, it can lead to reduced circulation to their head; if you
suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a headrush which
could easily result in a faint. Always use hooks which can be released
instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them (these are sometimes
called "panic snaps" and can be found in good hardware stores), and keep a
pair of bandage scissors handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose.
Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is handy, be
aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful when you're waving
flame around someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the way unbound people
can.
If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie their
wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or if your bed doesn't have
any posts, you can wrap ropes around the legs of the bed and spread-eagle your
bottom that way. In general, there are a million ways to tie someone up, and
a little practice -- on your bottom or on yourself! -- will let you improvise
in almost any situation.
Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices mentioned here in stories
and postings. If you read a term here which you don't understand, write me
and I'll add a description.
* Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is to
wrap someone up so they are completely immobile. The most popular way to
mummify someone is with plastic wrap. A common technique is to wrap each limb
separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then wrap the legs together -
- and then help the bottom lie down on an adjacent soft surface. You can then
cut holes (carefully!) to access any especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct
tape over it all for extra security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc. One way
the body releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too
much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat -- and have a blanket ready to
cover them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using the bandage
scissors (obtainable from medical supply stores -- one flat blade makes
cutting easier) which you of course have ready to hand. And as always, monitor
your bottom very carefully; they are helpless, and your neglect or inattention
could spell disaster.
* Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods. These are
typically constructed of leather or rubber. Some have simple zippers, and you
zip them up to secure them. Others have laces on the back and/or the sides,
enabling the hood to be laced more tightly for greater bondage effect. Some
hoods have eye holes, some don't. Some hoods have mouth holes, some don't.
Some deluxe hoods have built-in earmuffs or even space for earphones, for
sensory deprivation. Almost all hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons.
Hoods can restrict a bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain
continually aware of their bottom's condition while their bottom is wearing a
hood -- especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag. Do not leave
a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come on quickly. Some people
believe that any hood without a zipper or other extra-quick-release mechanism
is too dangerous to use on a bottom. In any case, you should have some
bandage scissors at the ready if the hood needs to be removed in a big hurry.
See Subject 1.1.3 for more safety tips.
* Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is bondage which
encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion whatever. Bondage
bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often
made out of leather or spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and
if made from heavy enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often
bodybags have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide your feet,
pulling the bag up to your neck. Many have other openings for genitals or
nipples, so your bottom can be pleasured or tortured while immobile. Leather
bodybags can be arbitrarily complex (and expensive); some have built-in
internal arm sleeves to further minimise motion, or suspension straps so the
bag, bottom and all, can be lifted into the air. Some have laces around the
outside so the bag can be cinched to a downright painful tightness. If you
REALLY have money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber bodybags -- get
in it, pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and quick-release
apply here as well.
* Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good and
feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right. Hobble skirts are a
perfect example: they are simply skirts which fit very snugly from waist down
to ankles. Often the wearer can take steps of only a few inches while wearing
the skirt (thus the term "hobble skirt"). When combined with a pair of high
heels, these skirts can be almost totally immobilising, even without any other
bondage. Leather or rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some
dedicated tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous
materials.
* Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind the
back. Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and buckle
around the shoulders. Others are straps that go down the middle of the back
and have attached wrist cuffs. In general, there are lots of kinds of bondage
gear, and you can even invent your own...
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.3 Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation.
**** GAGS
Gags are devices used to muffle sounds or limit ability to communicate
verbally. Besides the practical aspects, gags can have a significant
psychological impact. They can be used to humiliate or degrade a person, to
induce animalistic connotations and to depersonalise. There are many different
types of gags ranging from home-made items to the expensive accoutrements sold
at fetish and leather shops. All these different types of gags can be used to
induce a variety of effects in the wearer.
*** TYPES OF GAGS
** BASIC HOMEMADE GAGS
Home-made gags include gagging with scarves, panties (soiled and otherwise)
socks and duct tape. These are probably the most effective in actual noise
reduction; however, they do have serious safety considerations to be taken
into account.
Socks and panties can be stuffed into the mouth and secured in place with tape
or a scarf. Besides muffling noise this can be very humiliating, especially
when the items used are soiled in some way. Duct tape is a favourite when used
in a rape or kidnapping scenario, heightening the intensity and reality of
such *play*. It is also inexpensive, quick to put on and equally quick (and
painful <g>) to remove.
* SPECIAL SAFETY CONSIDERATIONS
Inhalation or swallowing of the gag (or part of the gag) is probably the most
important concern with these gags, and the person wearing the gag should be
watched carefully. It may be a good idea to wrap the item around a rope
across the mouth to keep it from being inhaled. The Top should have a good
understanding of the bottom's non-verbal communications.
Dry mouth is another concern: if the mouth becomes too dry, swallowing can be
very difficult. This can also induce gagging <g> and choking.
** ADVANCED GAGS
Advanced gags include ball, wedge, inflatable, bit and harnesses. These come
in a variety of configurations from a securing strap to complex full-head
affairs. They can be made of rubber, leather, or nylon webbing and are
available in fetish shops or by mail order: or the more adventurous of us can
make our own. Metal bits should be avoided as they pose a danger of chipping
teeth.
* BALL GAGS
A ball gag is basically a rubber or leather ball attached to a strap that is
secured around the head. The ball can be rather small to very large. These
have a tendency to open the jaw very wide, and to cause the wearer to salivate
profusely. They have a deeply humiliating effect for some people, mostly due
to involuntary drool and the loss of control it implies (the "drool factor").
* WEDGE GAGS
These are similar to the ball gag except they are wedge-shaped and less
severe. They can be worn more comfortably by some, for extended periods of
time. However some people are more sensitive to a "gag reflex" with these
gags. They have the added advantage of giving a bottom "something to bite down
on" while being whipped or otherwise abused.
* INFLATABLE GAGS
These are usually rubber gags inflated by means of a bulb, with a valve
allowing the person to release air as required. Inflatable gags come in many
shapes and sizes, ranging from the typical ball gag to penis-shaped and wedge
gags. Care should be taken not to over-inflate the gag, and the top should
check the sub's reaction after each inflation.
* BITS
Bit gags are usually rubber or leather, although some people may use wood or
metal (in our opinion, not a good idea). Psychologically these are very
effective in inducing animalistic reactions and in dehumanising the bottom.
Because of the obvious connotations these are popular in pony club circles and
with other animal play enthusiasts.
* TONGUE CLAMPS
Though not technically gags, tongue clamps serve well to impair speech
significantly, much like the traditional "Scold's Bridle". Metal or wood
vices are available to grip the tongue. These are usually attached to a head
harness or other external means of support. Variations can be made using
common household items such as chopsticks secured with leather thongs or
rubber bands. These have almost no effect on noise, but make speech
impossible, adding to feelings of helplessness and humiliation. These can
become quite painful and the bottom will drool significantly.
* HEAD HARNESSES
One of the most effective and comfortable gags is a head harness. This is a
kind of leather version of a scold's bridle. It has adjustable straps so the
whole thing can be tightened suitably. The actual gag part is usually a wedge,
though there are variations including balls, tubes, and rings. The harness
has straps which cross over underneath the jaw and fasten around the back of
the neck, effectively clamping the jaw up onto the wedge. This is more severe
in that the entire head is encased, making the wearer feel more controlled,
animalistic and humiliated. (Harnesses may also incorporate blindfolds or
blinkers as well as gags -- or none of the above!)
This gag is more constricting than any other. It is also easily grabbed from
any angle, so offers more physical control of the bottom to the top. Care
should be taken to not jerk the head too violently. Some harnesses also have
attachments to facilitate blindfolds, to further add to the vulnerability of
the bottom.
*** SAFETY
General safety considerations include being able to remove the gag immediately
if a problem arises. It would be a bad idea to use a gag that locks in place,
unless you are willing to cut it off. Care should be taken to avoid eating
large quantities beforehand, and alcohol and drugs should be avoided.
If you use a safeword, or are new to gags, it is a good idea to have a non-
verbal signal of distress. This can range from shaking the head in a
predetermined fashion, to holding an item in the hand and dropping it when in
trouble. For obvious reasons a grunt or moan is not the best option.
When finding a gag, check carefully to ensure that no part of it can be bitten
or torn off, posing a danger of choking to the bottom. The gagged person
shouldn't be left unattended, and a person with a cold, hay fever or blocked
nose shouldn't be gagged.
Large gags should not be used on someone with Tempero-mandibular Joint
Dysfunction (TMJ). TMJ sufferers also should not be required to have their
mouth open for extended periods of time. Test a person's limits with a gag
(and every gag) before leaving them in place for any period of time. Any
person may begin to feel pain with gags, especially large ball gags. This
pain can soon become excruciating.
Persons with false teeth or bridges should consider removing them before using
a gag.
Always have a pair of safety scissors or other cutting device on hand when
using gags, as emergencies can arise quicker than one expects.
*** GRUNTS, MOANS, AND OTHER ODD NOISES (or, Other effects of wearing a gag)
Gags are humiliating because of the grunts, moans and other odd noises the
bottom makes from behind the gag. Though the gag is also frustrating because
you cannot speak, it can also be comforting when experiencing severe treatment
for two reasons. First, because you can scream to your heart's content <g>
and second, because it gives you something solid to bite on.
Being gagged, especially when it is combined with any other type of sensory
deprivation, (i.e. being blindfolded or having your ears plugged), makes the
bottom extremely aware of their vulnerability and also can make them
conscious of the fact that they can easily be turned into no more than just an
object if the top desires it.
One of a bottom's main fears about being gagged is that anything could happen
to them and they wouldn't be able to protest verbally. It's the increased
vulnerability and explicit physical control (especially when combined with
being bound in some way) that instils this fear. That poses the question of
whether, psychologically, something is easier to deal with if you can shout
and scream your protests before/while something is being done to you?
**** BREATH CONTROL
Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy scenes.
This can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck while you kiss them deeply,
or as complex as a full-head latex hood and gas mask over a straitjacket. As
your air is cut off, you can feel sensation more intensely; it is also a
deeply intimate thing to allow someone else to be in control of the very air
you breathe. One simple explanation is that the body's natural reaction as
orgasm approaches is shallow, rapid breathing -- just like in breath control.
Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you pass out
and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're breathing, you
can die. Not for novices. One simple way to start is to try squeezing your
lover's neck gently as you make love to them. If it feels good, they will let
you know, most demonstratively. And you can stop instantly just by letting
go. In _any_ form of breath control, it is critical that all equipment be
fail-safe, and that the bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's
_direct_ action -- not by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue
to obstruct air if the top (for example) fainted suddenly.
Many people die each year practising "autoerotic asphyxiation" -- wherein
someone will masturbate while restricting their own breathing, and one night
they wait too long to take the bag off their head or release the pressure on
their neck, and they black out and die. (Recall Stephen Milligan, the Tory
MP). Some think, "Well, just play with a partner, then, if you want to black
out." However, losing consciousness, even for a moment, _can_ trigger cardiac
arrest. This is why making your bottom black out is almost certainly a much
riskier idea than you would think.
The same goes for anaesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm, it'd be hot if I
could drug my play partner -- like in the movies -- and she'd wake up all
bound!" Even if your play partner likes this idea, don't do it. There is no
safe way to force someone into unconsciousness; anaesthesiologists spend their
lives learning how to do it, with the best equipment, and still mishaps occur.
Don't play with ether, or chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness...
unless you and your partner really want to take a substantial risk of death.
More experienced people than you have died. See
<http://www.geocities.com/~tiagh/breath.html> for more details.
**** SENSORY DEPRIVATION
I think one of the most important things to watch for with hoods is the "after
effects" of using them. The person who has just had a hood removed may be
shaky, disoriented, unable to think clearly or to perform simple tasks (i.e.
standing up, walking). They may also be unable to communicate these problems.
Some people suddenly weep uncontrollably and it's up to the Top to know what
they need in that situation. They may seem fine but be experiencing a sense
of disconnectedness, and need to be watched carefully and helped where
appropriate. These symptoms can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few
hours. These symptoms are a surprise to inexperienced (and experienced!! --
every time is different).
Since any deprivation of any sense can be considered sensory deprivation, then
every time someone puts on a blindfold, they are practising SD. SD is very
attractive to many, and a powerful tool that can be used, abused, improved or
mishandled. I had my psyche classes, did some research, and from time to time
have even worked with interrogators. It has amazing power: constructive,
destructive, playful, and useful. It can help one focus (on one thing or
many) or it can be used to disorient and warp. And it comes in a million
shapes, sizes and degrees. So while some is very light and playful and
relatively safe, some can be potentially catastrophic.
And let's not forget sensory overload. It's as powerful, if not more so, and
everyone seems to forget about it. Although in most respects, it goes hand in
hand with SD and often they can overlap.
I know I'm being vague and maybe even sounding paranoid. I just want to drive
home the point that it can be a VERY powerful tool. I play with it quite
often, as well as Sensory Overload. And I recommend some aspects of it to
most D/Sers. Just be careful if you are doing anything too heavy or too
prolonged. You can feel ecstatic, feel scared out of your mind, feel
perfectly normal, be totally confused and lost, or any strange combination of
the above after a prolonged or heavy scene.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.4 Cutting. Burning. Branding. Wax. Electricity.
[ The Prof is writing something on Electricity.
Anybody want to cover Cutting, Branding or Wax? ]
**** FIRE
First of all it's true what your Mum and Dad said -- playing with fire is
dangerous. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, just that you should
remember it is dangerous. The following is advice from someone who has been a
fire performer for fifteen years and has used fire in SM play and public shows
for nearly as long. (I always knew those circus school weekends were going to
teach me more than juggling and unicycling!)
There's a couple of laws of science that it's useful to bear in mind -- fire
cannot exist without oxygen and flames burn upwards.
Fire against skin - skin will burn if you hold a flame against it for long
enough, but that's the secret (and skill) of fire play -- how long? Two
seconds is very exciting, four seconds is very warm and six seconds is the
longest I've ever managed on myself and I wouldn't risk it on anyone else
unless I saw them do it to themselves. I use fire torches for fire play (see
below) but I use four in one session, rotating them two at a time so they
don't get too hot, and making sure the ones I've just used get some time to
cool down. The flames themselves are not actually that hot (the bigger and
yellower they are, the cooler they are -- and the more spectacular they look),
but the torches and the wicks can get very hot quite quickly and that's what
can burn. It's actually safer to put the torch directly and firmly on to the
skin -- because you cut the oxygen out between the torch and the flesh there
is no flame there. There will be flames at the sides though and they can
start to burn the skin either side of the torch, and if the wick is too hot it
too will start to burn flesh -- if the wick is starting to glow red then it's
probably time to put that torch out and use another one. If the slave is
lying flat, it's possible hold the torch in place for longer because in
addition to there being no oxygen, the flame is burning upwards and away from
the body. It is possible to use the flame underneath (for instance if the
slave is standing upright and you use it between their legs or under their
arms) -- just not for as long. In my experience though, you don't have to do
it for very long, the sheer fear and thrill of fire can have a dramatic
psychological effect on a slave, and for a public SM show it's very impressive
to most watching audiences. It is worth saying that very minor burns are
quite common, but that they *are* minor (not even like catching yourself on an
iron or hot pan).
* Hair - hair burns very quickly and at a very low temperature, so if you're
thinking of using fire to burn hair off, be careful. If the hair is thick it
can resemble a miniature forest fire very quickly, and if you've seen the
scorched earth after a forest fire then you can imagine what might happen to
skin. If I'm using fire to burn a slave's pubic hair away I do it in stages,
putting the flaming hair out fairly quickly after it catches. Although it's a
great form of play, I wouldn't recommend it for smooth depilation (think of
the stubble on burnt crop fields <g>).
* Flames - as I've said the flames themselves are not that hot from fire
torches. However, be careful with smaller flames like those from matches,
lighters and candles. Because the wicks or other burning areas are much
smaller the flames get hotter much quicker, and they are in contact with a
much smaller area of flesh. It is easy to burn in this way.
* Fire torches - unless you are planning to end your play or show by
extinguishing the flames in your own (or your slave's) mouth, then I would
recommend the torches used by fire jugglers. They're easy to handle, have big
wicks and produce a spectacularly big flame. However, if you do want to put
them out in your mouth then you're going to have to have a pretty big one
(mouth, that is) to use juggler's torches -- I've done it, but it's not
comfortable. The torches I use are hand-downs from an old circus performer
and are thin metal rods with plaited lampwick thread (which needs regularly
replacing). I've also made temporary wooden ones using doweling wood and
lampwick, with the wick stapled on or bound with copper wire. These latter
are not ideal, as the wood can burn and the metal in the staples or wire can
get very hot indeed. They are okay for a short play though.
* Fuel - Paraffin is the safest form of fuel, because it only burns on a wick
or if it's vaporised (you can drop a lighted match into a bucket of paraffin
and it will go out). Unfortunately, it smells and tastes disgusting and it's
fairly slow to light (which may be an important factor if you want to do an SM
fire-show at a club or party). I used to use a mixture of paraffin and
lighter fuel, but some years ago I found some other stuff (unfortunately, the
place I bought it from has long since disappeared and there's no label on my
container -- it was sold as "Firewater", and it's relatively odourless and
tasteless). Any good circus or theatrical suppliers should be able to get
some if they don't have any in stock. It lasts a very long time even with
regular use -- I've had a five litre bottle for at least three years, and I've
still got half a litre or so left.
* Playing outdoors - I've only once played with fire outdoors in an SM scene
and it was in Spain with no wind. However as a fire-eater and fire-blower
I've performed outdoors hundreds of time. There are two things to watch for.
First, the wind -- keep track of which way it's blowing. Indoors, I've blown
sheets of flame from my mouth over a slave (keep yourself low and keep their
head out of the way and make sure it's a big room), but I'd never do it in a
wind -- it's too easy for the wind to blow the flame away from the target.
Ordinary body play should be okay though, but to be cautious keep the flame
some distance from the slave's head. Second, the temperature outdoors can
give you a false perspective on what's hot and what's not. The most serious
burns I've had have resulted from outdoor shows where the combination of that
false perspective and adrenaline meant that I didn't feel the burns (and the
pain) until several hours later.
Finally, if you are looking to torture and cause real pain without any lasting
damage there are probably more effective things to do than use fire. However,
if you like drama and showmanship as part of your play then it's very
effective indeed.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.5 Body modification. Permanent piercings. Play piercings.
**** PERMANENT PIERCINGS
The word "permanent" is something of a misnomer in this context, as all
piercings can be removed at will and the holes left behind will shrink until
they are barely visible. It can be argued that all piercings are erotic, in
that if you like piercings, people who have them will become attractive to you
just for that reason. However some placements are more erotic than others for
the wearer, particularly nipple, clitoris and penis. These areas will become
highly sensitised by piercing, and some women with clitoral piercings report
being able to reach orgasm when they were previously unable to. Tongue
piercings can also be erotic -- they are reputed to give unsurpassed oral sex.
Obviously, it will hurt. The intensity of pain will vary from piercing to
piercing but it will always be very brief. Most people experience an endorphin
rush or "high" which comes on shortly after the needle goes through and can
last for a considerable time, maybe several days, so the act of getting
pierced can be a reward in itself.
Choose your piercer carefully. Ask around for recommendations, and always
visit the shop and ask questions before committing yourself. Check that the
piercing room is scrupulously clean, and that the piercer wears gloves, and
that all equipment to be used has been autoclaved. Insist on a single-use
needle, which should be kept in its sterile packaging until the last minute
and should be opened in front of you. For any body piercing, the jewellery
must be a minimum of 1.6mm thick and the needle should be the same gauge. The
piercer should take a helpful and reassuring attitude, and should advise you
on expected healing times, and be prepared to offer an aftercare service in
the event of any problems.
All permanent piercings will require twice-daily cleaning and rotating during
the healing period. My personal recipe for this is a warm salt bath, to which
a dash of Savlon or other antiseptic has been added. After a good soak, gently
clean off any "crusties" that are stuck to the jewellery and turn the
jewellery to work the cleaning solution all the way through, then repeat the
procedure with plain water. As a finishing touch I always apply tea-tree oil.
Different people have different healing rates, but a general rule of thumb is
that the deeper the piercing, the longer it will take.
*** POPULAR EROTIC PIERCINGS
This is by no means an exhaustive list: there are many piercings available
which have not been included here, these are just the ones that are most
commonly sought for sexual reasons. For more detailed information on these and
all other piercings, please refer to the rec.arts.bodyart FAQs at
http://www.eskimo.com/~rab/lobby.html
* Nipples
Healing time 3 to 12 months or longer.
One of the more painful piercings, but also one of the more rewarding, most
people reporting greatly increased sensitivity and a tremendous boost to their
confidence. Nipples can be pierced either horizontally or vertically, with the
horizontal placement being the most popular, and there is a large range of
different jewellery styles that are suitable for this piercing. Nipple
piercings are quite prone to infection, often because people mistakenly think
they must be healed by now and start playing with them and switching jewellery
before they are ready. Nipples can and frequently do take a *very* long time
to settle down properly -- only once the jewellery turns easily within the
piercing and the piercing is no longer secreting "crusties" can it be
considered to be fully healed. Migration (when the jewellery starts to work
its way towards the surface) is much more likely to afflict male nipples than
female.
* Inner Labia
Healing time 1 to 2 weeks or longer.
One of the easiest pierces in terms of aftercare. Labia piercings almost never
migrate or become infected, and once thoroughly established (6 months or more)
it is possible to leave the jewellery out for reasonably extended periods
without risk of the hole closing over. A ball closure ring (BCR) is the most
suitable jewellery for this pierce. An erotic pierce in that it provides
visual interest, inner labia piercings will not necessarily affect the
sensitivity of the wearer.
* Horizontal Clitoris Hood
Healing time 2 to 6 weeks.
A popular and attractive female genital piercing which can provide a rewarding
amount of extra stimulation. The placement is through the fleshy part where
the inner labia join together above the clitoris: unfortunately not all women
have a sufficiently pronounced "hood" to carry this piercing. It is also often
not recommended for the larger woman, as pressure on the jewellery from the
thighs can cause it to twist uncomfortably and may contribute to migration.
Many different jewellery styles are suitable for this location, with plain
BCRs, teardrop, or D-rings the most commonly worn.
* Vertical Clitoris Hood
Healing time 1 to 2 weeks or longer.
This is another anatomy-dependant piercing with not all women finding it
suitable, going in under the thin piece of tissue covering the clitoris shaft
and out through the top. Because the jewellery is constantly in contact with
the clitoris itself this can be an extremely stimulating piercing, but it can
also lead to hyper-sensitivity and discomfort. A curved barbell is probably
the most suitable jewellery.
* Prince Albert
Healing time 1 to 3 weeks.
A dick-end job, with the jewellery going in through the urethra and out
through the underside of the penis head. The Prince Albert is a much sought-
after classic for the gentlemen, being both visually attractive and
pleasurable for both partners during sexual activity -- it also has a
virtually 100% success rate with problems rarely, if ever, encountered. A ring
or circular barbell is usually worn, straight barbells being largely
considered unsuitable.
* Reverse Prince Albert
As Prince Albert but with the jewellery emerging from the topside of the
penis.
* Ampallang / Apadravya
Healing time 8 to 10 weeks.
Ampallangs and apadravyas are usually, but not always, pierced through the
head of the penis, the ampallang being the one that goes straight through from
left to right, the apadravya straight through from front to back.
Alternatively, they can be performed further up the shaft. They may or may not
go through the urethra: if they do it tends to give a shorter healing time. A
straight barbell is the most appropriate jewellery, and it should be of a
relatively heavy gauge if the wearer will be having penetrative sex. Some
female partners greatly appreciate the extra sensations afforded by these
piercings, but roughly equal numbers report finding them uncomfortable.
Considered to be slightly tricky piercings to place correctly, some piercers
are unwilling to perform them.
* Guiche
Healing time 6 to 8 weeks.
This piercing is almost exclusively male, where it is performed through the
ridge of skin between the back of the scrotum and the anus. The perineal area
in women does not lend itself to piercing so readily, and this pierce is
relatively uncommon in females. The position of this piercing dictates that
activities such as cycling and horse-riding are best avoided during the
healing period, but once healed the guiche is said to be a very comfortable
and stimulating pierce. Pressure on the jewellery during foreplay can increase
arousal, and gentle tugging can prolong and intensify orgasm.
* Frenum
Healing time 3 to 5 weeks.
Basically a foreskin piercing, usually performed through the loose flesh
beneath the penis head, although some men like to acquire "ladders" of frenums
going all the way up the shaft. A straight barbell is commonly worn, but
frenums can also be worn with a ring going through the pierce and completely
encircling the penis, giving a similar effect to a cock-ring.
**** PLAY PIERCING.
Play piercing is the temporary piercing of the body in a scene for the
sensation produced, rather than to add jewellery. It is done with a needle
crossways just under the surface of the skin.
The main safety considerations are to avoid infection of the area where the
piercing is done, and to avoid getting one person's blood in another, via a
used needle for example, which is a high risk for the transmission of HIV and
various other diseases.
If a person has problems with prolonged bleeding due to haemophilia or
medication they may wish to avoid being pierced.
* Effect of piercing
This varies from person to person and between each piercing. The pain level
may be non-existent or quite high. Most people have a strong mental reaction
such as an "Endorphin High" regardless of the perceived pain level. What it
does to someone's head-space may vary according to factors such as the
position they are in and whether they are restrained.
Some may avoid piercing due to needle phobias -- others find this makes the
scene very powerful for them.
* Equipment
Rubber gloves: These are widely available from chemists or from other
suppliers of safer sex barriers. They are worn by the piercer to keep any
traces of blood off the hands, and to keep the skin to be pierced clean.
Alcohol wipes: These are widely available from chemists or from the same place
as the needles are obtained. They are used to clean the skin to be pierced and
so avoid infection.
Sharps bin: A strong container to place used needles in, where they may be
kept safely until destroyed. These are available from the same place as the
needles are obtained, and can be exchanged when needed.
Needles: These may be available from a local needle exchange -- call the
National Drugs Hotline on 0800 776600 to find out where the closest one is to
you. There are also some medical equipment shops that supply them.
The type used are the same as used for giving injections and are sharp,
designed to break the skin and sterile. They come wrapped and sheathed. They
should never be used more than once and should be placed in a sharps bin
immediately after use. They come in different sizes and have colour-coded
ends. Blue and green are the most commonly used, the green ones being slightly
wider and longer than the blue.
* Where to pierce
Common places where someone may be pierced are the upper arms, upper chest,
breasts and back. Other parts of the body may be pierced by those who are more
experienced. Places to avoid are joints, and places with many nerves and blood
vessels such as the wrists, hands or face.
* Preparation
It is recommended that the person to be pierced has eaten in order to have
reasonable blood sugar levels. For beginners, a laying-down position may be
preferable in case of fainting. If the person to be pierced has known problems
with prolonged bleeding due to haemophilia or medication they may wish to
avoid play piercing. Have the equipment needed handy including a sharps bin
where used needles may be discarded and somewhere for other rubbish such as
used alcohol wipes.
* How to pierce
The piercer should wear clean gloves and have the needed equipment to hand.
The person to be pierced assumes a suitable position. The skin to be pierced
is cleaned with a freshly opened alcohol swab. This is done with strokes in
one direction, rather than wiping any germs around. A new needle is unwrapped
and unsheathed. (The sheathes may be placed somewhere handy as a check of how
many needles have been used). The skin is pinched gently and held. This should
be reasonably easy on the fleshy parts of the body recommended above. It may
help for the person being pierced to change position. They may also find it
easier not to watch the needle enter the skin.
It may be preferable to choose a set routine for piercing, so everyone
involved knows what is happening at all times. For example:
"Breathe in" : Person being pierced takes a deep breath in
"Breathe out" : Person being pierced breathes out deeply and slowly
"Breathe in" : Person being pierced takes a deep breath in, piercer holds
needle against the skin
"Breathe out" : Person being pierced breathes out deeply and slowly, piercer
pushes the needle through the skin
The needles have a slanted tip and are held so the sharp point is against the
skin. The piercing is done through the fold of skin that has been pinched and
held, pushing the needle through using a gentle pressure. They may be pushed
through right up to the plastic barrel and released once in place.
If multiple piercings are done, using all of the needles in the same direction
in any patch of skin will help avoid the piercer accidentally pricking a
finger.
* Afterwards
The needles are removed by pulling them out gently and they should be
discarded in a sharps bin immediately. Some people prefer to re-sheath them in
case they ever come out of the bin, or as an "accounting procedure" to make
sure no needles are accidentally lost to stab unwary feet at some later date.
On the other hand, some people prefer not to re-sheath in order to avoid
accidentally stabbing themselves while doing so.
There may be slight bleeding, more so if the needles are left in for longer.
It may take some time for someone who has been pierced to come down enough to
drive or operate power machinery.
*Legal issues:
I am not a lawyer and so cannot give legal advice but my understanding of the
law as it stands is that piercing for decoration or performance art is legal,
piercing for pleasure is not.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.6 Genitorture. C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps.
"C&B play" stands for Cock & Ball play. "CBT" stands for Cock & Ball Torture.
"Genitorture" stands for "genital torture". This is a subject that makes some
men clutch their nuts and run in fear, and makes other men instantly erect and
greedy for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most
sensitive part of the male body, so of course many tops enjoy playing with
them.
Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the base of it,
behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood vessels at its base
constrict (because of arousal), trapping blood in the cock and causing it to
swell. Cock rings have a similar effect, prolonging erection in most men that
use them. (They also constrict the urethra, which will make any orgasm more
painful, or even cause ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not
dangerous unless done repeatedly. Experiment to find out how much tightness
is too much.)
Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or loosen
them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of rubber. Some
are even made of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous; if you put a too-
small one on your non-erect cock, your cock may become so erect that you can
no longer remove it -- and if it is too tight, it will prevent your cock from
softening. This may involve a trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt
cutters. No joke. Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls,
around the balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people
like using _lots_ of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the body.
Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how much
you can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to spread into
other areas of the body, or if the pain lasts for a long time after the
stimulation ends, you have probably gone beyond your limits. You won't reach
this point generally if you take your time. As with any SM practice, if you
find yourself in pain later, or if you notice any abnormalities in your cock
or balls when flaccid or erect, see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice
that seriously wrenches or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and
blood vessels in there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get hard.
But the cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is
done with care.
Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips, ribbons,
velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up an erect cock can
create a luscious work of art, and teasing it can be even more artistic.
Don't expect C&B bondage to keep a cock hard indefinitely; cocks will usually
get soft if not stimulated, and bondage which _will_ keep it hard may be
dangerously tight. In any event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly,
as always.
A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some women love having
clothespins on their pussy lips; some love light whipping on their outer
labia, or even their clitoris. Sometimes body piercings can be used for
bondage; labia piercings can hold a pussy open very delightfully, or clit hood
piercings can be tied up out of the way with thread, leaving the clit naked
and exposed. Some women like soft fur on their pussy; others like to be
alternately soothed and tormented until they can stand no more.
Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever else you do - you
risk causing an embolism. Don't leave clamps on very long until you know how
much your partner enjoys (and how it will feel to her the next day when the
scene is over). Too much of one kind of sensation can become irritating
quickly; change the stimulation, keep your bottom aroused and surprised.
There are all _sorts_ of things that can be used on female genitals; one
article I have lists "bamboo skewers, candles, cheese graters, clips,
flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex squares, leather thongs, massage bongers,
rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber, silk, spoons, towels, weights, and whips"
as items that can be useful in giving your bottom's genitals a ride they won't
forget. (And no, you don't do this until you cause real damage, any more than
you do with male genitals. Don't be scraping, scabbing, or scarring -- these
are the most sensitive parts of the body you're playing with!)
Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's pussies vary as
much as any other part of women's bodies (or more), and responses will vary
equally dramatically. In general, the same sort of rhythm discussed in the
whipping section is useful in cunt play, though if anything the top needs to
go even more slowly, as the sensations will be more intense and focused than
in almost any other kind of sensation scene.
One final titbit: apparently, for many women, a common pre-orgasmic response
is for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you are giving your partner some
very delicious sensation (possibly combined with some just-right pain) and her
clit disappears, DON'T STOP! (Unless you _want_ to avoid her orgasm... don't
push this too far, unless your bottom's feet are tied down -- she may kick.)
And know your limits; if your bottom really wants an orgasm to end the scene,
giving her one may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting _too_ long
may burn you both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about beforehand in
any scene -- how would you like the scene to end? Breaking such an agreement
will engender mistrust, but honesty, as always, will help everyone get what
they want.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.8 Butt plug training. Anal sex. Fisting.
[ Anyone want to write a piece on Butt plugs? ]
**** Anal sex
Anal sex, practised properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex. And people
do it because it feels good -- the anus can be an intensely erogenous zone.
In fact, far more straight people than gay people practice anal sex! The anus
contains more nerve endings than any other part of the male body, and more
than any part of the female body except the clitoris. It's no wonder that
anal sex is a part of many peoples' sex lives.
"Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your partner's anus with a
lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your partner and
stroking them, to full anal intercourse. All these things are physically very
pleasurable, and if you simply wash your bum, there's nothing repulsive about
them. The anal taboo is very old, but there is no necessary medical reason
for it if you know what you're doing. If you're concerned about staying
clean, by all means make sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and
wash your bum -- outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If you want
to feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as you
want. (It is also very important, though, to use safe sex techniques, which I
describe a bit further on.)
The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation, Lubrication.
You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle, dubbed the external and
internal sphincters. Your external sphincter is under your voluntary control
-- you can relax it at will. But your internal sphincter is _not_ under
voluntary control. If you are tense, your internal sphincter will be tight,
and trying to force anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it)
even _more_ tense. So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force
your way into enjoying it.
Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it! Don't just
roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be relaxed and it won't
be fun. Make sure you are both comfortable with the idea of anal play.
Relaxation: listen to your body. If your ass wants to be played with, you
will know; if it doesn't, don't rush anything.
Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you need to use a WATER-SOLUBLE
lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe. Use LOTS of it; it's clean! The more
lube you use, the more comfortable you will be. And finally, communication
again: if you haven't played with your anus before, the sensations will be
intense and strange. You may feel like you are having a bowel movement when
your partner slides their fingers out of you; it takes some experience to
realise that this feeling is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't
result in a soiled bedsheet.
It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should also use
a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a piece of (non-
microwaveable) Saran Wrap for licking, and a condom for fucking) when having
sex with you. This is true in general, but especially true for anal sex;
unprotected anal sex is the riskiest kind of sex with regard to transmitting
STDs of any sort. Also, using protection often increases the sensation of
safety and cleanliness, which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience
more. (Some say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts are
that in some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex, have
been considered a serious sexually-transmitted public health problem, with
thousands of people infected. Decide for yourself how much risk you want to
accept.) And anything that has come in contact with the anus should be
cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the case of latex barriers) before
coming into contact with the mouth or vagina.
I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything. Let me be
more emphatic: if you feel pain in your arse while you're having anal sex,
STOP. Too-rough anal sex can stress and possibly tear the anal lining, which
can lead to very serious infections. Anal sex does NOT mix with force (but
see below for how to make it painful safely). And if you find yourself
bleeding from the rectum, go see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. (Don't be embarrassed,
they've seen it all before... just get yourself taken care of!)
That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain. That is
what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just be your sphincter muscle
complaining about stretching a bit, and when you stop pushing it will stop
hurting -- and possibly relax some more. If it doesn't stop hurting when you
stop moving, THEN you want to pull out (slowly) and take appropriate action.
If it does stop, wait a little, then begin again... your arse will let you
know if it wants to stop altogether. (So pay attention to it! Getting drunk
is NOT a good idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel. The
FAQ List No-Prize for Worst Sexual Product goes to an "anal lube" that
contained oil (and therefore couldn't be used with gloves or condoms), AND
which advertised itself as being best for anal sex BECAUSE it contained
benzocaine "for greater comfort"! If anyone did hurt themselves through using
it, I hope they sued the hell out of the company.)
*** Pain and Anal sex
I prefer anal sex to be painful, and have found a few techniques that are at
least moderately safe. These don't focus on forcing the sphincter, but pain
inevitably makes me clench my arse, so there is often a little force involved.
* After my partner has his cock in my arse, he beats my upper back, or bites
my neck and shoulders. This is a kind of pain I don't enjoy, but it does make
me feel quite submissive, and it combines easily with the anal sex.
* I get fucked only after being spanked so thoroughly my arse is raw and
tender and the abrasion of his pubic hair against my buttocks is enough to
make me whimper.
* Ice in my arse immediately before penetration. This works better with
fingers or a plug than with a biodick attached to a very cold-sensitive top.
(I treasure our time together, but still wince at the heating bill.)
* There was also something strange and wonderful involving a steel anal
speculum and a violet wand. Painful, frightening, and I want more!
* Irritants. Many of the best irritants contain enough oil to damage condoms,
so be careful. It may be safest to apply the irritant after the top is done
fucking.
Suggested irritants:
- Mentholatum's "Pain Gel"
This is an oil-free ointment meant to relieve sore muscles
and arthritis which contains menthol but no abrasives.
- Jalapeno pepper juice
*** Excess Force
There is a high probability of either tearing the sphincter muscle (bad, may
lead to bowel incontinence, may need stitches) or else (and much worse)
tearing the internal mucosa, which can lead to serious medical problems,
including lethal septicaemia or severe haemorrhage if the tear is large
enough. The inside of the intestinal tract, like the inner two-thirds of the
vagina, is poorly nervated, and pain generally means you are damaging it. If
it hurts internally due to "force", you're doing it very wrong and placing
yourself in danger of serious and potentially life-threatening complications.
**** Fisting
Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is. Whether in arse
or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone inside. (Fingers up a
man's bum, if aimed properly, will tickle his prostate gland, which feels
AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And people are generally comfortable
with the idea of finger-fucking with more than one finger. But not as many
people have been exposed to the idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the bum
or pussy... which is, in simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's
anatomically possible, and yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable.
That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is _not_. You do
_not_ make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most intimate and
complete ways to touch another human being, and it is something that has to be
worked up to slowly and gently. There have been many posts about fisting on
a.s.b, talking about the proper technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic
feeling of openness and connection, the magical plane that two people fisting
can attain... it's an incredibly intense way to make love. I can't do justice
to the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can mention some of
the safety concerns.
First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as smooth as
it could _possibly_ be. Your fingers will be in some very delicate places --
places that may not have pain receptors. You want to make sure you minimise
all chance of causing damage.
Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death.
You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out. What else are
enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use detergent
in enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol in enemas; if you do, use a VERY
VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get absorbed _real_ fast, and the
bottom won't be able to expel it if they get too drunk.
Use LOTS (and I mean _LOTS_) of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a
huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your
fingers. Keep applying it as you go. You can't have too much lube.
Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex. Some people like KY jelly;
others say it dries out too quickly. In the UK, a substance called "Aqueous
Cream" is the creme de la creme. Others use "J-Lube," which is a powdered
concentrate that when added to water produces incredibly slippery goo; it's
sold in veterinary supply houses! (Some people still use Crisco with latex
gloves, on the theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the gloves
don't break down _that_ fast. This is risky, but it's an option.)
Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be sensitive to
your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open
for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and
forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom
into a trance. Keep communicating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing
where the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to
the kind of relaxation and open empathy you'll need.
If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice will
clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right where you are until
the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out. You can pull a muscle or two if
you try to back out in the middle of a reaction like that. If this happens,
it's OK; you'll know to go slower next time (if you both want to try again).
But assuming all is well...
When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you want to be
most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and
pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the bumhole (or whatever) doesn't
want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's
bottom wants it, then you'll slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb
inside your fingers, and (so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a
fist -- you DON'T need to clench your hand or anything else!
Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be
in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally!
------------------------------
Subject: 1.1.10 What steps can I take to reduce the risks in BDSM?
"Safety" is (a variant of) the first word of the "Safe, Sane, Consensual"
motto, but what, exactly, are we talking about? Who is being made safe from
what, and when, where, why, and how is this happening? Furthermore, how do we
know that what we regard as safety precautions actually make us safer? How
"reality tested" are these precautions?
OK, a couple of things: As long as there is something in your life that you
don't want to lose or see come to harm, you face at least some degree of risk.
(Indeed, this is why someone who has "nothing left to lose" can be so
dangerous to those of us who still do have something we care about losing.)
This risk can be to your life, your job, your health, your kids, your money,
whatever. So the questions emerge: How are those things at risk? What can
be done to mitigate that risk?
There are obvious risks associated with doing BDSM. Most of these are to one
of three general entities: Your physical well-being, your emotional well-
being, and the well-being of your relationship with your play partner (and
relevant others). That something _could_ go wrong is obvious. People who
hang out in the community hear of incidents in which things _did_ go wrong,
with results ranging from ruffled feelings to multiple fatalities. (There was
the incident in Canada -- I can dig out the reference if you force me to --
about the two people who died after they put both of themselves into bondage
and their house caught fire.)
There seem to be two general approaches to "risk management" in BDSM. One
could think of them as the "proactive" and the "reactive" approach. Both have
their merits.
In the "proactive" approach, one considers what Bad Things _might_ happen and
takes appropriate precautions to reduce their chances of happening. To a
certain extent, this is always based on speculation, and thus may not lead us
to prepare for events that are of high probability and/or high severity.
In the "reactive" approach, one considers what Bad Things _have_ happened, to
oneself or to others, and takes appropriate precautions to reduce their
chances of happening again. (One of the great benefits of communication
opportunities such as this forum is that people can widely report their
"incidents" and enable others to learn from them.)
Looking at the "reactive" approach, it's useful to play a game I call "follow
the pathology." What kinds of Bad Things are actually happening, and to whom,
and under what circumstances, and how often?
Well, let's see. What do we have reported?
First, the overwhelming percentage of BDSM-related fatalities I've heard of
have involved someone playing alone. Most of these deaths have involved some
form of autoerotic asphyxiation (and one could quite legitimately wonder if
auto-erotic asphyx is, strictly speaking, BDSM at all) or involved a self-
bondage situation that went awry (in which cases, the poor wretches often
suffered and screamed for hours or even days before finally dying; brrrrr).
Second, the overwhelming percentage of assaultive/abusive/rape situations I've
heard of have involved playing in private with a relative stranger in a low-
accountability situation. Psychopaths and other Bad People aren't into
delayed gratification, and usually want to get their victims alone quickly --
thus they don't like things like having a few non-play meetings first, meeting
to play at a party, etc, and they _really_ don't like accountability
mechanisms like Silent Alarms.
(I've talked with many people -- mostly submissive women -- who have survived
such assaults, and I make it a point to ask them "if your partner had been
certain that a third party knew where you were, what you were doing, who you
were doing it with, and that you would be checking in with them later, would
this assault have taken place?" In every single case so far, the reply has
been "no." Some have also reported that the prospective partner called off
the play date entirely when they insisted that such a mechanism be in place).
Third, intoxication of one sort of another, or from mixed causes, is clearly
an "essential co-factor" in many BDSM disaster stories. I've heard any number
of stories that have led me to conclude that had intoxicants not been
involved, the disaster would almost undoubtedly never have happened. (Don't
get me started on my rant about how, but for alcohol abuse, the number of
ambulances in service could safely be reduced by half; suffice it to say that
I learned _very_ early on in my EMS career that drunk drivers do indeed cause
a huge percentage of crashes.)
Fourth, every now and then one hears of BDSM being used as a cover for genuine
criminal intent. I know of two cases, one of which occurred in the Bay Area,
in which Person A tied up Person B and then murdered them. (In both cases, the
murderer was caught -- actually, in the Bay Area case, the murderers were a
man and a woman.)
So, if we're talking about two -- or more -- people who know each other "well
enough" and neither is significantly intoxicated, and neither has criminal
intent, the risk level drops _way_ down. Provided the people involved give
each other good feedback (remember the adage that the first play date with a
new partner is the one most likely to go wrong) and that they learn from
experience, they may play together quite happily for many years without
experiencing what NASA so-very-euphemistically calls "an anomaly" even if they
never get any "formal" BDSM training from books, clubs, newsgroups, etc.
Still, accidents do occasionally happen, and poor techniques lead to poor
outcomes, so it is indeed beneficial for BDSM folks to trade stories regarding
what worked for them and what didn't.
Regarding what precautions BDSM people should take, I see two general
categories, the general and the specific.
General precautions are those that apply to most citizens in most
circumstances. For example, because there is a certain randomness regarding
when and where "emergencies" emerge, it's widely recommended that virtually
everybody do things like wear their seat belts, have smoke detectors in their
house, learn the basics of First Aid and CPR, etc. (Again, EMS crews see
first-hand how people who really were "minding their own business" sometimes
nonetheless get zapped, and those incidents leave a lasting impression. It's
been more than 20 years, but I still remember responding to one particular
call where a drunk came over the centreline and went head-on into a car
containing Mom, Pop, and a whole bunch of kids.)
Specific precautions have to deal with the unique risks associated with BDSM.
Thus we teach things like "get to know the other person before you let them
put you in heavy bondage", "keep a pair of EMT scissors in your toybag", etc.
Why do BDSM-related safety discussions turn some people off? IMO, it's partly
because such discussions "spoil the illusion." Some of us (and, please,
nobody take this overly personally; it's not at all my intent to single out or
disrespect any specific person) want to come across as "dangerous predators"
or something like that. To talk about safety, one usually has to "remove the
disguise" for a while, and -- damn it -- doing that reveals the fundamentally
decent person inside the "predator" disguise.
Another reason safety discussions annoy some people is that a fair number of
"us" -- particularly among what I think of as the "cyber-anarchist" folks on
the 'net -- are just double-dog bediddley goddamn damned that nobody else is
going to Tell Us What To Do regardless of how noble (and usually awfully god-
damned self-righteous) their motives are. These people _may_ occasionally --
and often somewhat grudgingly -- concede that there is the odd, minor,
technical point of information that they didn't already know and -- again,
often somewhat grudgingly -- thank us for sharing that, but don't expect to
get loved for bringing that to their attention. <grin> God love them all.
So where does that leave us? Well, we learn by trial and error and (if we
survive the error) we report back on what did and didn't work so well. Over
time, a pretty good body of information emerges. Who ultimately decides who
is right and who is wrong? IMO, that decision is made by Charles Darwin.
Warm regards to all,
Jay Wiseman
http://www.bigrock.com/~greenery
Copyright issues footnote: I wrote this article with the hope that it would
be widely read and distributed, and without any particular expectation of
financial compensation in return for writing it. Therefore, I consent to the
following uses of this essay:
1. It's fine with me if you read it.
2. It's fine with me if you send it, in unaltered form and including this
copyright issues footnote, in private e-mail to approriate others.
3. It's fine with me if you post it, as mentioned in point # 2, to newsgroups
and closed mailing lists.
4. If you put it up on a private, no-fee-to-access, website, please put it up
as mentioned in point # 2 and include a link to the Greenery Press website
(www.bigrock.com/~greenery).
5. I do require that you get my specific prior permission before putting this
article up on a pay-to-access website, putting it in a book or periodical
offered for sale, or otherwise charge for any sort of access to it.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.0 "Sane"
Playing sanely does not mean giving up the wild, abnormal and extreme. It
means paying due regard to possibility of emotional harm, in the same way that
playing safely is to do with risks of physical harm.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.1 Why is B&D fun?
Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless, that
someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent them, is a
powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you come and there's nothing you can do
about it." It's a very strong statement of trust to let someone bind you
helplessly, or even non-helplessly. How erotic, to feel yourself spread open,
wanton and wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs, ready to use
you for their pleasure -- or to pleasure you unendurably....
For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good. Tight constriction
can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight bondage can be a
sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be. Bondage can feel comforting,
pleasantly confining; you don't need to worry about anything, since what can
you do? You're all tied up, and all that's left is to enjoy.
For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose control. It
can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every muscle straining
against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to smash your lover's face
into your crotch, your body shaking. If you weren't tied down you'd hurt
yourself!
For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)
An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your bottom
in some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and commanding them not
to move... and then tormenting them! One kinky variation on this is as
follows: have your bottom hold their hands out in front of them, fingers
splayed, each fingertip touching the opposite fingertip. Put a penny between
each pair of fingertips so they're holding five pennies. Now order them not
to let a single one drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to
work! This works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.3 Why is S&M fun?
Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM
people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the
fun in getting bruised?
Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed
bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your
love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt
was another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you _weren't_
having sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when
you are sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation
that you usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.
This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain
produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You actually
get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from pushing the body
painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in; the rush you get after
eating chilli peppers comes from the same source; and that's what makes it
enjoyable for SM players to be whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain,
it's pleasure! All athletes that are "hooked on exercise" are essentially
masochists who enjoy stressing their bodies to get that chemical response. So
your friend who enjoys being spanked may actually be a lot _less_ masochistic
than your average marathon runner!
For just this reason, Pat Califia (a very well-known writer and SM player in
the Bay Area) uses pain as a reward, when she's topping a masochist. Pain as
a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your bottom _likes_ getting
whipped!
Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for why masochists find
intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist floats away blissfully
while being whipped, nor would they all even _want_ to. The ways to
experience intense sensation vary from dreamlike rush to stinging ouch to
irritating maddening burn to soothing warmth to tears-in-the-eyes throbbing...
and whatever the sensation, there is likely someone who enjoys it.
Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds of sensation that
you can use in your lovemaking -- light scratches with fingernails, open-hand
spankings, pinches, squeezes... there are many ways to touch someone, and all
of them can be enjoyable. Different people enjoy different levels of
sensation; "different strokes for different folks". What may be a wonderfully
sensual caress to one person may be practically unnoticeable to another, and
what may be a delightful flogging to one person may be no fun AT ALL to
someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the secret to finding the happy medium.
Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The best
answer I can give is that some people simply seem to be calibrated
differently. They want _more_ sensation; they find the intensity thrilling
and exciting, whereas someone else might find it overpowering and agonising.
People like different amounts of spice in their food; why not in their sexual
encounters? Each person experiences sensation differently, and if you want
more, there are safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you want, safely,
can make your life much happier.
(For much more about sensations and sensation play, I strongly recommend Pat
Califia's book _Sensuous Magic_. See Subject 1.6.1)
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.4 What is 'real' BDSM? Does what I do count?
You are an individual. Nobody looks, thinks or feels exactly as you do; even
identical twins have their differences. It should therefore not be surprising
that every BDSM scene has its own unique style.
BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humorous, artistic, healing, calming, magickal
(or indeed magical, if you tie your bottom in a box, then pierce it with
swords). Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is
intrinsically part of BDSM, while for others it is totally unconnected.
BDSM will often involve elements from overlapping sub-cultures:
Fetishes: cross-dressing, leather, shoes, bad music
Body modification: piercing, tattoos, scarification, branding
Alternative sex: water sports, anal, masturbation, fisting
Un-trad sexualities: transexual, polyamory, bisexual, celibate
Mental alteration: hypnotism, drugs, Pavlovian conditioning, magick
Role play: knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant
Counter culture: Science Fiction, the SCA, Gothic vampires, Anarchism
None the less, players and events can often be roughly divided into:
Old Leather / East Coast of USA:
Players are either dominant or submissive. The only acceptable garb is
black leather (shiny metal optional), maybe black rubber or PVC if pushed.
New Age / West Coast of USA:
Players can switch between roles, either with different partners or at
different times. Any garb allowed, as long as it reflects the inner you.
[ These are caricatures. Anybody got some better descriptions? ]
Neither tradition is right or wrong, merely different. If what you do is SSC,
and it feels like BDSM to you, then few reasonable people will object. There
are some who feel that there is only 'one true way' to be a dom, a sub, or
whatever; and that anybody who does not do it that way is a deluded fake. The
men in white coats advise that until these people can be recaptured, your best
course of action is to ignore them.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.5 Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving.
Leather/latex/high heels/corsets/cigars/shiny boots. All these things --
erotic clothing or objects of whatever type -- are "fetishes". A fetish is
any object which has sexual connotations for you. If it makes you feel sexy
to wear it, or to see it on someone else, it's a fetish. There's nothing
wrong with having fetishes; in fact, it's a rare person who _doesn't_ have
any! Some people are turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by
good old lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've
already talked about can also come in handy in exploring your particular
fetishes, whatever they are.
Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts,
leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for
latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in
their tightness and their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your
awareness of your sensual self, and restraints made out of them can cling like
a second skin. In general, leather and latex are two really big categories of
fetish -- and a fetish is defined as something that turns *some* people on; if
you have to ask, you probably won't understand!
Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage
the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the
leather. You can use saddle soap and water to clean your leather, and neats-
foot oil to keep it supple and in good condition.
Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and
prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your
latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex;
this will make it easy to slide it on. Don't pull the latex with your nails,
or it'll rip; likewise make sure you cut your toenails before putting on latex
stockings. After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils,
then dry them (and some say powder them) for storage.
There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually black,
shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric, and is washable,
as well as relatively inexpensive.
Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often true
that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all. Erotic costumes and
attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set the stage like nothing
else. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, and role-playing and mock
acting can be _very_ hot, whether combined with any other elements of BDSM, or
not.
As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that enhance
the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of BDSM play -- they
can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or hobble the steps of a
slave. They are some of the classic fetish items. High enough heels can make
it altogether impossible to walk, which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly
applied, can dramatically change the shape of your body, while intensifying
sensation throughout. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be
combined with many different kinds of scenes.
Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal clothes on
men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-you), nurses' outfits,
harem girl attire... the list goes on and on. If it turns you on to wear it or
to see your partner wearing it, why not make it part of a scene? (A button I
heard about recently: "Are you into casual sex... or should I dress up?")
In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find yourself becoming more
involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can take steps to look at
your behaviour and determine if you want to change it. But if you like it, and
your partner likes it (or likes that you like it), and if it's consensual all
around, then go for it! And if you like fetish clothing, check out the
alt.sex.fetish.fashion newsgroup -- it's young, but it's growing...
* SHAVING
Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair. Shaven skin
is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very vulnerable. Shaven
legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very different indeed than hairy ones...
and since the name of the game is sensation, naturally shaving and SM can go
together!
Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added charge
when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and enormously arousing.
Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to play with cross-dressing
(dressing as a woman); hence I mention these two topics together. Shaving
first.
How to shave? Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water over
your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave _with_ the
direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the ankle, or shave
from the navel towards the crotch); going against the direction of the hair
can lead to ingrown hairs when it starts to grow back. Shave with short
strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the bowl to remove the hair. If you
shave only seldom, you may go through a couple of razor blades doing your legs
alone.
Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to remove most
of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on the sensitive areas.
(Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are most annoying on genitals.)
Some people swear by waxing (using sticky wax to pull hair out) or by other
non-shaving methods of hair removal; to each their own. Shaving can be part
of a scene; I've seen many gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly
shaving their prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving
their bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being
bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is... well...
VERY intense!) Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all sorts of other
fun.
==
Shaving does increase sensitivity definitely, but I think it has a lot to do
with the area suddenly being made exposed and unprotected by hair. For that
reason I sometimes prefer to let the hair grow back fairly thickly before
removing it again, as I find that the contrast gives a more dramatic result.
If I maintain myself hair-free over an extended period it starts to feel
normal.
==
Just wanted to mention, on the subject of hair removal, some of us (me for
instance) are compulsive "pluckers" i.e. one at a time with tweezers. Makes
for a very smooth finish that takes ages to grow back, and the activity is a
reward in and of itself.
Oh, and the leather thing, it's not just the look and feel, it's also the
smell of it that's irresistible.
==
If you go to your local chemist and look in the section where they keep
depilatory creams and waxing strips etc, you'll find a range of "aftercare"
products that are designed for use in those sensitive areas. But I don't
really like shaving, not because it gives me a rash but because sharp stubble
appears within 12 hours or less. Root removal is the only way to go for me. I
would recommend tweezers rather than an electric depilator, which is great on
legs but the couple of times I've used it on my pubes I've had nasty
ingrowths. Stretch the skin slightly, grip the hair close to the root and pull
gently, firmly and evenly and the whole hair just lifts out and you won't see
it again for weeks. Don't yank, or it'll break off just beneath the skin and
may ingrow.
But yes, I think the only final solution to unwanted hair is electrolysis.
There is actually a chatroom on the topic of hair removal at
http://www.hairfree.com/chat
Wednesday nights 8.00pm Central time (which I think is about 2.00am for us).
==
Shaving in a warm (but not hot) bath works well for me...
==
Depilation for the Terrified, by Kate
Body hair -- who needs it ? Well I suppose it does have some potential for
fun: I once knew a man who shaved his pubic hair star-shaped and dyed it
electric blue. Personally, though, I prefer to be hairless, and this is
something I share with many others in the fetish/BDSM community. There is a
great deal of attraction in the look and feel of a thoroughly depilated body,
and over the years I have researched and experimented with many different
methods of pubic hair removal. I thought I'd share some of this knowledge.
Shaving was the obvious first method to try. The benefits of shaving are that
it's quick and, once you've had some practice, relatively easy, and shaving as
part of a "scene" can be especially rewarding as the recently-shaved area will
be extra sensitive ... If you haven't shaved before, you should start by
removing as much hair as possible either with scissors or better still a beard
trimmer. Follow this with a thorough exfoliation preferably with an anti-
bacterial and moisturising scrub. There are many suitable products on the
market: I use a tea-tree oil based preparation. Rinse off, and apply the
shaving medium of your choice; when shaving the genital area it is probably
best to use a product that is recommended for sensitive skin. Using a fresh
blade, shave with the grain of the hair, rinse off very thoroughly, then
repeat the process this time going against the grain. Only go over the area
once in each direction as scraping away at it will just make you sore: if the
finish is not as smooth as you'd hoped, it's best to wait 24 hours then do it
again. The drawbacks of shaving are that sharp, itchy stubble is likely to
appear within hours, and once you get into shaving you really have to do it
every day to maintain anything like a smooth finish. Shaving also puts you at
risk from ingrowing hairs, causing unpleasant pimples, the bane of all
depilation enthusiasts; regular exfoliation should help reduce this problem.
Some people experience a rash when they first begin to shave; this will get
better over time as the skin adjusts.
My experiences with depilatory creams have not been happy, and I would
hesitate to recommend them to anyone. I've found creams to give the least
smooth finish of any method I've tried, and even the ones that are marketed
specifically for the "bikini line" can cause some very unpleasant skin
reactions when used over the whole pubic area.
Both shaving and creams will need constant refurbishment as re-growth is quite
rapid. For a longer-term result, root removal is really the only way to go.
Waxing is quick and easy, but can bring tears to the eyes. I've found it less
than satisfactory for pubic hair although I've had pleasing results using it
on my legs. It tends to be a bit too vicious for such a sensitive area; I
suspect it takes some skin away with it as well as the hair, and it doesn't
necessarily rip all the hair out by the roots. A certain percentage will
simply break off at skin level, and may ingrow. Likewise the electric
depilator -- great on legs, troublesome on pubes. Far and away my preferred
method is to pluck each hair individually with tweezers. It takes ages but can
become quite enjoyable, compulsive even, and gives an excellent long-lasting
result. Stretch the skin slightly, grip the hair close to the root, and pull
gently, firmly and evenly. The entire hair will lift right out, and it'll be
weeks before you see any significant regrowth. Don't yank, or the hair will
break and that ingrowth problem will raise it's head again. After you've spent
hours removing all the hairs you can see, when your run your hand over the
area you will realise that there's still plenty left ... these are fine, newly
emergent hairs and are best left alone at first as they break very easily.
It's best to wait a few days until there's enough to get hold of, then go over
the entire area again. The time and patience involved in this method make it
an obvious no-no for anyone on a tight schedule -- my schedule isn't
particularly tight but even so I can rarely find the time to do a full
plucking job and usually resort to shaving, just plucking around my genital
piercings where shaving gets tricky.
But really I'd like to kiss unwanted hair goodbye for ever, and it was with
this end in mind that I found myself sitting in the waiting room of a very
plush, private cosmetic surgery clinic, staring at posters about liposuction
and breast enlargement, and flicking through the testimonials from satisfied
clients all of whom, strangely enough, seemed to have identical handwriting...
I found the immaculately coiffed and made-up woman who came to speak to me
about laser treatment slightly disconcerting, and kept catching myself staring
at her trying to figure out if she'd had a face lift. "So, how does laser
treatment compare with electrolysis?" I asked. "Which is the most effective?"
"Electrolysis doesn't work" she told me, with a dismissive toss of her head.
"Laser is the only permanent method." I told her I'd heard rumours about
burning and scarring, which she played down. Apparently they do a test patch
first, at a cost of 50 UK pounds. They cover the area to be a treated with a
gel, and simply zap it with a laser and the roots are basically burnt out.
Most of the hair is said to come off when the gel is wiped away, the rest
should fall out over the next week or two. They recommend a second treatment a
few weeks later, to take care of any possible re-growth. "It's great," she
said, "It's lovely never to have to bother shaving your legs again ..." "Ah,
but I'm not actually all that interested in legs" I said. "It's the pubic area
I want to know about. Wouldn't the risk of scarring be greater in such a
sensitive area?" "Bikini line?" she asked. "All of it" I replied. She really
didn't want to go there... she stopped making eye contact with me, and kept
dragging the conversation back to legs. I asked for some literature to take
home with me, and went off to keep my next appointment, which was with someone
who could tell me about electrolysis.
"Is it for your legs?" they asked at the electrolysis place. "No, pubic area"
I said. "Bikini line?" "All of it." "I'll just have to have a word with the
manageress ..." She came back a couple of minutes later. "No, I'm sorry, we've
never done that." I tried one last gambit. "But wouldn't you like to boldly go
where no beautician has gone before, just in the interests of research...?"
"No."
At the next place, I didn't have an appointment, but it was just across the
road from the first place so I walked in speculatively and yes, they had time
to talk to me. The young woman I spoke to was a bit more in tune with my way
of thinking. Yes, they'd done that sort of thing before. Several of their
clients had been <cough> "models" and "actresses", she told me with a flicker
of a smile. I'm neither a "model" nor an "actress", but I let that pass
because she was obviously catching my drift. "So how does electrolysis compare
with laser treatment?" I asked. "Lasers don't work," she said. "Electrolysis
is the only permanent method." They use a small device that looks a little
like a ball-point pen, with a fine needle in the end. The needle is inserted
into the hair root and a mild electrical charge kills the follicle. "Are there
any side effects or scarring associated with it?" I asked. "Not really," she
replied. "Some people find it a bit upsetting if they don't like needles... "
she glanced first at my multiple-pierced ear lobes and then down at the tattoo
on my wrist "...but you'll probably be alright". As each hair has to be
treated individually, it does take a very long time. Still, at 25 UK pounds an
hour it probably still works out cheaper than laser treatment, for which I was
quoted 400 UK pounds for a "bikini line," and I think it's probably safer.
I really need to find an establishment that offers both services, then I might
stand a better chance of getting an unbiased opinion on which is the most
effective method. At both places I was very aware that I was talking to people
who were trying to sell me something, and didn't want me to take my money
anywhere else. One day I might try the laser test patch, but for now, I think
I'll just break open a fresh pack of razor blades ...
* CROSS-DRESSING
About cross-dressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either
because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear. Whatever
the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this sort of thing.
Makeup is often part of this sort of play, as well. Many women also enjoy
dressing up as men; switching gender roles can open up a vast range of
possibilities. Some people call this "gender-fuck" -- i.e. fucking with one's
perceptions of gender, or fucking someone who's assuming a different gender,
or both.
There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some just
enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some fantasise
about actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use those fantasies in
their scenes. Some people want to take it to the point of going out in public
dressed as, and acting like, the other gender so accurately that they pass --
i.e. are mistaken for the gender that they're assuming. They may find doing
this enjoyable because of the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of
successfully transforming oneself into one's fantasy image.
Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally at odds
with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel like a man who
happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa. These people are known
as transsexuals, and may have operations to change their bodies and genitals
to more closely correspond to the gender they most identify with.
Transsexuals are still very widely stigmatised; it is not easy to live in this
very gender-based and sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the
standard pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the
kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not playing;
their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them. (Though when they
_want_ to play, there are few people who know more about it :-)
It's important to realise that these groups of people are distinct; just
because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit does not
mean he has any desire to get a sex-change operation. As with all aspects of
human sexuality, gender and gender play encompasses a wide array of levels,
and honest communication is the only way to know what a particular person is
into.
Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to create
some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to your desires,
decide how much you actually want to make real (and how quickly), communicate,
and play!
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.6 Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading?
Often people approach BDSM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their
mind. The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master.
The pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves no better.
These images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse, do not reflect
the reality of consensual BDSM.
First, were BDSM people abused as children? This is a common stereotype.
Straw polls of people on a.s.b seem to indicate no particular pattern of
abuse, and there have been very few, if any, scientific studies of the
question. Some people see an increased correlation, but there is little
actual evidence.
This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an expression of
BDSM-negativity -- "Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really damaged as
a kid." Similar claims were once widely made about homosexuals and
homosexuality. (As one data point, I personally wasn't abused as a child, for
which I'm grateful. And I'm very into various aspects of BDSM, for which I'm
also grateful.) In general, in fact, no one seems to have any idea of why
some people enjoy BDSM behaviours or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like
no one really knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body
type, or much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned. The notion
of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations is
incredible.
Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what they
do, you realise that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of
love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True BDSM is
consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is _not_. Therein
lies the difference, and it is truly an all-important difference.
Occasional debates here revolve around the (relatively few) people who
practice full-time (24/7 -- i.e. 24-hours-a-day, 7-days-a-week)
dominant/submissive relationships. Such relationships require lots of self-
inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and
growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just
ways for the dominant to break down their submissive's will, and to accept
abuse because the submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in
the submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This is essentially what a
wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's self-perception,
and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary price to be paid for her to
remain with him; it is no more than her due. And moreover, she is not to
complain.)
This kind of relationship is _not_ a consensual BDSM relationship; the
dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits of
their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom's personality, but
rather to build it up through the kind of relationship that both enjoy and
desire. Such relationships almost always contain an "escape clause," such
that if the bottom is truly feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to
set the roles aside and talk with the top as equals. (In other words, a
relationship safeword.) Such concern for clear communication when things
don't go well (as well as when they do) is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM
relationship. And every text I have read about long-term BDSM relationships
stresses the importance of emotional safety issues. (As I mentioned
previously, people who have issues around their sense of self should be aware
that BDSM is potentially risky in that area. Of course, _any_ relationship is
potentially risky for such people....)
Doing BDSM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be enormously
affirming. BDSM can be a way to give yourself to your lover more deeply than
you ever thought you could, and can give outlet to fantasies you never
imagined could come true. This kind of active, dynamic self-expression can
give a tremendous boost to the self-esteem and the psychological well-being of
both partners. Getting what you want out of your sex life may not be a cure-
all, but it can sure help a lot. I recommend the book _Ties that Bind_,
listed at the end of Section 3, to people exploring these issues.
(Some call all this doubletalk, denying that _anyone_ could ever _really_
benefit from submitting to a lover whom they trust. All I can say to that is,
my personal experience is far otherwise, as is that of many of my friends, and
many professional therapists acknowledge that it's quite possible for a
submissive in a consensual relationship to be very psychologically healthy.
Decide for yourselves whether we are to be believed.)
Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to sexuality in
general. The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are inherently
revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring themselves to talk
about _anything_ related to sex. Yet without understanding these concepts,
it's hard to understand BDSM. Everyone who first looks at BDSM needs to do
some amount of pushing past their prejudices; for some it's harder than for
others.
Some people wonder how women into BDSM can consider themselves feminists.
Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to
anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and _many_ women on u.p.b agree)
that feminism is about empowering women to make their _own_ choices, to live
life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "should"
do or how they "ought" to behave. And in that light, it makes little
difference whether the limiting ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the
"radical feminist" criticising BDSM in _Ms._ magazine; both the CEO and the
writer are attacking women's right to do as _they_ choose.
Why are the prevailing images of BDSM so negative?
There is no doubt that they _are_ negative. Not long ago I was informed that
there are some members of the Winnipeg (Canada) police department who believe
that alt.sex.bondage is "a textbook on how to torture women for sexual
pleasure. It's obscene." Said police were considering how to deal with a.s.b
on obscenity grounds. Last year in England, a group of gay men who had
gathered for an BDSM play party in which they were using whips for pleasure
were arrested and charged with battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be
doing exactly what they were doing, and WANTED to be doing it. Consensual
BDSM is illegal in England. How can this be?
The crucial distinction here is between consent and non-consent. The
difference between whipping someone in a scene and assaulting them on the
street is the difference between sex and rape. If everyone involved agrees to
what is happening, it is not a crime. If they do not, then it is. This
distinction is not in principle difficult to understand, and being involved in
BDSM makes it very clear. BDSM practitioners are _more_ familiar with consent
issues than most, and as such are _less_ likely to commit crimes of the sort
that people confuse with BDSM. And NONE of the material in this FAQ advocates
ANY kind of non-consensual, criminal behaviour.
Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what others may and may
not legally consent to do. I believe that consenting adults should be free to
do as they wish in the privacy of their homes. There are many who don't
believe this is acceptable. It serves them to confuse the issue by claiming
"BDSM people are sadistic rapists" when in fact we are nothing of the sort.
Criminalising consensual sexual activities (sodomy, BDSM, even prostitution)
is an old tradition, but in my view, an unjustifiable one.
This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly research" on BDSM and
related practices. Almost all the books written about BDSM and other
alternative practices in this century have been written by psychologists and
therapists (i.e. people outside the scene), and almost all have portrayed BDSM
as a dangerous practice, indulged in only by "unhealthy" individuals. The
reason? Healthy individuals weren't the subjects being studied; rather, the
subjects were all seeking psychological treatment from the authors of the
books! The "studies" completely ignored the many well-adjusted, happy people
who were also into BDSM. It's easy to conclude BDSM is harmful when your only
experience is with psychologically maladjusted BDSM people, and when you
aren't interested in presenting a balanced view (as few authors are --
psychologists can be as sexually judgmental as anyone).
More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown a change in opinion
about BDSM. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Conditions
is a document produced by the American Psychiatric Association. The DSM-III,
published in the late '80s, classified "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism"
as disorders for which treatment was recommended. The APA, in the DSM-IV,
reclassified BDSM as _not_ necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of the
BDSM produces clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma, or leads to
death, serious injury, or disability. The DSM-IV is recognition by the
therapeutic community that BDSM can be practised in a psychologically healthy
way.
As for "natural": people have practised BDSM behaviours throughout history.
Many are the saints who scourged themselves in the name of the Lord. Using
intense sensation to reach altered states of mind is a practice as old as
humanity itself -- and hence can be considered in no way "unnatural".
Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracise the different. If you
don't fit the mould, you're weird and dangerous. People into BDSM don't fit
the mould. This is why there is such pressure to remain anonymous in the
scene; people have lost their jobs, partners, children, and liberty by having
their sexual preferences revealed to their community. This stems from the
same source: lack of understanding of what we do and why, and lack of respect
for what is different.
Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into BDSM. (Most
people, in fact.) There's nothing at all wrong with not being into BDSM, or
with not wanting to be exposed to people who do various forms of BDSM; many
people have emotional issues with some kinds of BDSM activities and may be
repulsed or disturbed by witnessing them. These people should clearly avoid
BDSM (and probably should avoid uk.people.bdsm). I would hope, however, that
even these people would manage to learn about consensuality as it relates to
BDSM, and learn how BDSM, practised carefully, is not abuse.
Some people feel that any power exchange between people is unhealthy. The
argument is that giving power to someone else is tantamount to giving away
your essential right to self-determination, which must be considered an
unqualified evil. Moreover, there is no doubt that many social evils -- wars,
abusive relationships, et al. -- derive from one group of people seeking power
over another; therefore, the argument proceeds, it is always wrong thusly to
seek power.
In reality, there are many situations in life in which someone chooses to give
some of their power over to another, because they trust that other to use that
power wisely. Examples include entering the Army (which regulates your life
for the duration of your service); getting married (which is often a
commitment to abandon some of your personal autonomy); taking a job (which
restricts your choices of how to spend your time); and, of course, entering a
BDSM scene (during which your top has authority over what goes on). All these
power exchanges are mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when
they stop being beneficial, the exchange itself should stop.
People whose moral codes state that all power exchange -- consensual or
otherwise -- is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM. Certainly such
people have a consistent ethical system that defines BDSM as immoral. Short
of such an ethical system, however, it is hard to see how a BDSM relationship
is any more intrinsically immoral than a stint in the Army, or a traditional
'death-do-you-part' marriage. As for me, I believe that in a free society,
morality requires permitting each citizen to make his or her own choices of
how to live, and how to express themselves, including sexually. Sexual rights
are human rights. If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we lose a vital
part of what it is to be human.
These issues are very controversial, even now. In the 1992 Oregon state
ballot, voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR 9, which contained the
following paragraph:
"State, regional, and local government and their departments, agencies, and
other entities, including specifically the State Department of Higher
Education and the public schools, shall assist in setting a standard for
Oregon's youth that recognises homosexuality, paedophilia, sadism, and
masochism as abnormal, wrong, unnatural, and perverse and that these
behaviours are to be discouraged and avoided."
Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor unnatural. All
three are consensual ways of living and loving that many people enjoy. They
are not for everyone, but nor should everyone be told that they are for no
one. Note also how this measure seeks to confuse the issue by grouping
homosexuality, sadism, and masochism together with paedophilia, a practice
which is in most places legally non-consensual. (It is not my intent to enter
here into the debate over whether children are ever capable of fully
consenting to sexual acts. Suffice it to say that whether they can or not has
no bearing on the fact that adults _can_ consent to BDSM play.) Legislating
what consenting adults may and many not do in private is neither healthy nor
democratic.
(In recent years there has been a spate of articles about how BDSM is entering
the mainstream. Madonna's book _Sex_, her movie _Body of Evidence_, and the
movie _Exit to Eden_ are examples of this trend. Hopefully this will lead to
more people feeling free to express their love as _they_ choose -- so long as
it's consensual!)
The most extreme forms of BDSM come closest to the line between consent and
non-consent. Most BDSM people have established safewords which they will use
if need be, though if they've known their partners for long, that's rather
seldom. Some people, though, do play without safewords -- whether because
they know their partners well enough to stay within their partners' limits and
read their partners' responses, or because they enjoy the rush of playing
without an escape clause. This latter sort of play is sometimes known as
"consensual non-consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom
literally cannot escape from whatever the top wishes to do. This is very
advanced BDSM; it requires exponentially more negotiation and introspection,
and even then is hazardous. Not many people do this, or want to, but some
people do, and find it exhilarating and uplifting.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.7 My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into BDSM?
Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of BDSM worry that they
will immediately go from enjoying spanking and light bondage to fisting and
golden showers. Nothing could be further from the truth.
BDSM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways to make love.
This FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities. No one I know enjoys
_everything_ on this list; _everyone_ has their own preferences and levels of
tolerance. Some like bondage but dislike pain; some like latex but dislike
leather; some enjoy piercing but not whipping; some like tickling and nothing
else!
This means that negotiation is always important in BDSM; you never know what
someone's tastes will be until you ask. It also means that whatever your
level, however hard the play that you enjoy, there are people out there who
share your tastes. Be a dabbler or be a life-styler, or be anywhere in
between! And don't worry; the operative word with all of these practices is
_pleasure_. If you don't like it, you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it!
Some people have fantasies about heavier BDSM trips than they would enjoy in
real life. To those people, I say this: fantasies are not reality. It is
well documented that many women have rape fantasies from time to time; this
does not mean that those women want to be raped. BDSM can involve playing on
the edge between fantasy and reality, using that fantasy energy to create
something fantastically strong and passionate in the real world; but this does
not mean that fantasies are anything but imagination, or that fantasies will
become real without your choosing to make them so.
If you feel that doing BDSM might make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or
make it harder for you to maintain your sense of self-worth and pride, those
are excellent reasons to avoid doing BDSM -- or at the very least to only do
those sorts of play that don't tear you down but instead build you up. BDSM
is an intense form of relating, and not everyone is ready for that; if you
don't think you are, don't do it that intensely -- and if you're not sure, go
slowly. What's the rush? Do what you honestly want to do, and what you feel
ready for.
Some people getting into the scene almost have a mental checklist of stuff
they want to try. They spend a year or two burning through the checklist,
having a great time, always desperate for the next experience. Then they get
to the end of the list, and suddenly they don't know what's next. This can be
a very empty feeling. BDSM is not an end in itself, but a means to connect
with others; it is ultimately about relating, and about developing yourself.
If you are worried about getting "too into BDSM", it means that you are
sensitive to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself means you
have less to worry about. Trust your instincts. BDSM is nothing but opening
up the powerful energy within us all, and being willing to experience that
energy with and through others; it is intimate and loving. Even a hard scene,
involving ruthless domination and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very
deep one at that; it takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the
people involved to create such a scene. The more aware of Sex Magick you are,
the better a communicator and lover you will likely be -- and you don't have
to be a heavy player to understand Sex Magick.
People who think that all BDSM behaviours are unhealthy or destructive
sometimes come out with a claim like, "Just you wait, you may start off by
enjoying being spanked, but before long you'll be liking being bruised,
dismembered, flayed, and murdered!" This is, simply, ridiculous. While many
people do find their tolerance for pain increasing as they do BDSM, many
others find no such effect, or even have no interest in experimenting. It
seems that for most people, their internal "thermostat," the level of stimulus
which makes them hot, is pretty much constant. And certainly I know of no one
practising consensual BDSM who perpetrates serious injury on their lovers.
The BDSM scene is rife with information about how to inflict intense sensation
without causing permanent or unintended damage of any kind. Recognise these
kinds of alarmist claims about BDSM as the scaremongering that they are.
And finally, after all is said and done, you may _still_ have some fantasies
that you recognise as too intense or too contrary to your nature to actually
perform in a real-life scene. This is quite common, as well; we all have
desires which we recognise cannot be safely fulfilled. Do not do anything
that you feel you should not or cannot do, even if the desire remains strong;
or at least, if you do choose to explore that desire, go very carefully and be
prepared to back off if you find your suspicions confirmed. If it hurts not
to fulfil the desire, that's part of what maturity is about -- rejecting
desires that pull you into things that are no good for you, while choosing
that which will affirm you. And in any case, the process of introspecting, of
asking yourself what you want (and what you will permit yourself) and why, can
be vital to your growth and your sense of yourself. Life is change, and every
choice carries _some_ risk... decide for yourself what path you want to walk.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.2.8 Negotiation. Emotional safety. Care after scenes. Abusers.
This "negotiation" concept in the BDSM community simply means open, honest
communication about what you do and don't want. Negotiation in this sense is
not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to get something at the
expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where you're both talking
about what you've done and what excites and doesn't excite you, so you can
feel more comfortable and turned on together. It's completely legitimate to
talk both about your fantasies and your boundaries -- about what makes you
wet, _and_ about what makes you cringe and tense up. Telling your partner
about things that you _don't_ want them to do is valuable, as you deserve to
have those limits respected... and if you don't tell your partner those
things, they may do them, and neither of you will enjoy it. (If you do
express your limits, and your partner ignores them, that's non-consensual, and
you will want to think hard about whether you can trust your partner.
Negotiation can bring these issues into clear focus, which can help.)
If you're just getting into BDSM, or just into a new relationship, negotiation
is a VERY valuable process. It can be as upfront as "I'd really like to kiss
you, does that sound good?" or as nasty as "Tell me your deepest darkest
fantasy or I'm going to stop rubbing your cock!" Talking about what you want
from your sexual relationships can be difficult at first, but the more you do
it the easier it gets and the more you get out of it! And note that none of
this is necessarily specific to BDSM; negotiation is useful on all levels in
all relationships, whether they involve BDSM or not. Consent is much more
than a simple "yes" -- any relationship, and especially BDSM relationships,
will do better with lots of honest talk about what you both want, and why, and
how much, and what you _don't_ want.
There are some who feel that negotiating -- talking -- "ruins the momentum".
The image they seem to have is of the lovers who need say no words; every
touch, every action, is perfect. That's great when it happens, but it doesn't
happen automatically. My personal experience is that talking upfront makes me
feel much better about whoever it is I'm with, and much more confident that
they won't do something I'm not ready for... this in turn means I can throw
myself wholeheartedly into whatever we've negotiated. Plus, as you get to
know each other better, you'll know what you like and don't like... because
you'll have negotiated it! THEN the momentum REALLY gets rolling!
Be communicative. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep
the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling
and thinking.
Be sensitive. BDSM play, which can (doesn't have to! but can) involve
helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological domination, is strong
stuff; it can reach deeply into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas
or hidden fears, without warning. Be aware that you are swimming in deep
waters, and be respectful, loving, and careful. Don't let this reality scare
you away from BDSM, though, if you want to experiment; let it make you more
aware and open to what both of you are feeling. Most of all, decide for
_yourself_ whether BDSM (or elements of BDSM) has a place in your sex life;
don't listen when someone _else_ tells you "BDSM will be OK for you" or "BDSM
will not be OK for you". Only you can make that decision.
Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let your partner
pressure you into it. When you begin exploring BDSM, you may often find
yourself with a partner who wants something more than you have experience
giving, or who's right now in the mood for something that you're _not_ in the
mood for. In my experience, it's generally better to say, "Whoa, I think
we're wanting different things. Let's talk." Doing a scene when you don't
really want to can result in anything from a lukewarm scene to something you
just wish was over. There is plenty of time... honesty, and not pushing, will
lay a foundation of trust that will stand you in good stead later.
After the scene is over, take time to discuss what the scene felt like for
each of you. Make sure to listen to your partner and learn how they felt, and
thank your partner for playing... after an intense scene, it's really nice to
cuddle and connect, rather than stopping abruptly and going home. A scene has
a beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are very important. (And not
necessarily disjoint; talking about how you feel and what you want can
continue right through the whole process!)
One especially charged kind of BDSM play is dominance and submission, in which
the bottom gives up some of their freedom of choice to the top, who can
command them. Though many people with strong boundaries can play like this
perfectly safely (and indeed derive enormous happiness and satisfaction from
doing it), this kind of play can carry some real emotional risks for people
with low self-esteem. The risk is that the dominant will wind up abusing
their power, using the D/S dynamic to make the submissive feel ever more
worthless and powerless, and hence willing to let the dominant take over more
of their independence.
If you have issues around your personal sense of self-worth, and if you feel
that being submissive (albeit perhaps an enticing idea) might serve to confirm
and consolidate your negative self-image, you would do well to think hard
about whether D/S play is for you at this stage of your life. The answer may
well be "no." (And conversely, if you are considering topping someone who
wants to submit because they deserve no better, you might consider whether you
want a partner who thinks so little of themselves.) In general, it's
imperative for everyone who does BDSM to look hard at their motivations and
their boundaries, and to be clear on whether the BDSM (whatever form it may
take) is self-actualising or self-destructive.
It may not be all black-and-white, either; there may be some particular
activities or roles or words that will make you feel unsafe, scared, or
worthless, and you may well want to avoid those activities/roles/words. That
is exactly what negotiation is for; you have the right to do what feels good
to you and avoid what does not, and you have the right to insist your partner
respect your boundaries. (This goes for any relationship, of course, BDSM or
no.)
Domestic Violence in the S/M Community (by Jan Hall)
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual S/M. Yet, abusive
relationships do exist within the leather-S/M community, as with all groups.
Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons who are into S/M
may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available
resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. No group
is free of domestic battering; but fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have
slowed public response to this serious social problem.
Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the S/M
community. A person's size, gender, or particular sex role (top-bottom,
butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to abuse.
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a pattern
of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or
isolating another without her or his consent. Because of the intimidation
factor, where there is abuse in any part of the relationship, there can be no
consent.
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to define the
problem, which can have characteristics that are physical, sexual, economic,
and psychological.
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of
a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a
room, or used a weapon of any kind?
Are you afraid of your partner?
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual
acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not something that can be
"agreed" upon; there is an absence of safewords or understandings. Has she or
he ever violated your limits? Do you feel trapped in a specific role as
either the top or bottom? Does your partner constantly criticise your
performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the
limits you set? Do you feel obligated to have sex? Does your partner use sex
to make up after a violent incident? Does your partner isolate you from
friends, family, or groups? Has your partner ever destroyed objects or
threatened pets? Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? Has he or she
ever stolen from you or run up debts?
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another? Does your
relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and
being very close? Is your partner constantly criticising you, humiliating you,
and generally undermining your self-esteem? Does your partner use scenes to
express/cover up anger and frustration? Do you feel that you can't discuss
with your partner what is bothering you?
No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence.
You are not alone; connect with other survivors. There are reasons for
staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack
of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find
out about shelters, support groups, counsellors, anti-violence programs, and
crisis lines in your area; ask a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a
strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of
an emergency.
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can
get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for
Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.
We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does exist in the S/M -
leather-fetish community. We can make it clear that we will listen to those
who have the courage to speak out. Understand that leaving is difficult. Let
the person make his or her own choices. Keep all information confidential.
Encourage survivors to take legal action and seek support. Help find safe
housing and legal advocacy. Hold batterers accountable and urge them to seek
treatment. Deny that drug or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes
in that person's behaviour.
Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic violence.
Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a list for members
of what resources in your area are S/M-supportive. Educate your local legal
and social service system about our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate
intervention.
Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about domestic
violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, S/M, or fetish
sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently compiling a roster of
supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists, and information on
understanding and using the law. Write to Safe Link c/o the Domestic Violence
Education Project, National Leather Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San
Francisco, CA 94114; or call the NLA at 415/863-2444. (posted by
)
BDSM may at times be therapeutic, but it is in no sense a substitute for
therapy. It's been said that "you can't take power from the powerless." A
healthy DS relationship is grounded in mutual respect, and in the knowledge
that both partners are choosing this life in a fully informed, non-coerced
manner; the submissive is proud to submit, and the dominant is proud to
receive the gift of their submission. It is a very different thing from an
abusive relationship in which one partner controls the other partner's entire
world, with the goal of making that partner irrevocably and helplessly
dependent.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.0 "Consensual"
Playing consensually does not mean you need a written witnessed agreement
every time you play, nor does it mean that once they consent, anything goes.
It means only playing with people who are normally considered fit to enter
into a binding contract, and only doing things to them while you have a very
sound expectation that, were they requested to explicitly indicate their
consent to your actions when in a fit state of mind and being neither coerced
nor misled, they would do so.
The Simple Rules:
1. Don't play with people who can't be held fully responsible for their own
actions (e.g. the mad, senile, immature or otherwise incompetent).
2. Know what your partner's limits are -- what they do not consent to.
3. Confirm that they understand any physical and emotional risks involved.
4. Make sure your partner has an unambiguous way to indicate that they
withdraw their consent, if they change their mind during the scene. You are
responsible for detecting if they fall into a mental or physical state where
they are hindered from indicating or choosing to indicate.
5. If you are about to do an action to them which they would have no chance to
indicate their lack of consent to before it happened, and there is any doubt
that they might not consent, ask them beforehand to indicate their consent
explicitly.
6. If at any time your partner, while in a fit state of mind, indicates that
they do not consent to your doing an action to them, or that they withdraw
consent they previously gave, then don't do it. If you have already started
doing it, then stop as soon as safely possible.
7. If your partner is not in a fit state of mind to choose whether to consent
or not, which can happen on occasions such as when drunk, asleep, or drugged,
then it is your responsibility to make that choice for them. In general you
should choose to not play with them, unless you gained their explicit consent
beforehand to play with them in this condition.
One exception to that would be when a masochist is so high on endorphins that
they are in no fit state to judge whether to continue or not, because entering
that state was a possible risk of your flogging them, and since you confirmed
your partner understood this risk (see rule 2) and they consented in knowledge
of it, their consent to let you judge when to stop is strongly implicit. On
the other hand, in that situation you also have a duty to stop the scene when
warranted, even if they are crying "More!".
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.1 Safewords. Non-verbal safewords. Implicit safewords.
One of the thrills of BDSM is that it can stretch your limitations. If you
enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying more and more
new things, accepting greater and greater levels of sensation, doing and
feeling more than you've ever done or felt before.
But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic. It may be
that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is whipping you, and
suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want them to STOP!!! That is
what a safeword is: a word that means "This isn't working! This scene is
going wrong somehow! Please stop!"
A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing with a
top you don't know that well, and if they do something to you that you don't
want, it's important that you have a way to let them know, IMMEDIATELY.
Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.
Everyone has their own favourite safeword. I personally use "Yellow!" to mean
"Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I don't want to stop
the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in trouble and I want everything to
stop NOW, no more games, scene over, let me outta here!" Some people just
have one flavour of safeword, and use "aardvark" or some other weird word
they'd never say in the context of a scene. At many parties, the universal
safeword is "Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is a safety valve for when
things get out of control. If your top doesn't respect your safeword, it's a
safe bet that they won't respect other limits of yours, and you will need to
decide whether you want to play with someone who doesn't acknowledge your
boundaries.
Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realise that
no one is perfect, and if you as top do something that squicks your bottom
(i.e. pushes beyond your bottom's limits -- "squick" is a recent bit of a.s.b
jargon), it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad person. It only means
that you ran into a limit you didn't know was there, or you were tired or
disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from
time to time. If you as top feel burned out and want to stop the scene
suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure
how to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't just for
bottoms! If you as bottom feel like your top is pushing you, and you don't
want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword --
your top will be glad you used it to tell them where you were at.
A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're
playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the
edge via a safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some tops
deliberately push their bottoms until their bottoms call safeword; this way,
the bottom gets the experience of using it. A safeword that's never used can
seem unusable, which isn't a good property for a safeword.
Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too noisy
or they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being impertinent or
whatever. You may still want a safeword to let the top know when a rope is
too tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or whatever. Some people put a
handkerchief in the bottom's hand; if they let go and the handkerchief falls,
they know there's something up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three
loud yells spaced evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!" No gag I've ever seen can stop
_all_ noise, and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a
strait-jacket and unable to hold anything at all.
Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate, not only what
safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if you need to use the
safeword. When you're just getting into SM, it's almost inevitable that some
scenes will end prematurely or abruptly. If you acknowledge this possibility
in advance, and talk about what kinds of comforting or remedy you might like,
it'll make recovering from a mishap a lot easier and more pleasant. And
because a scene goes wrong is no reason to think that you or your partner is
fundamentally bad or untrustworthy -- mistakes will happen. (If your partner
doesn't want to hear your concerns about the mishap, though, or if they
belittle or deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid future
mishaps. If your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience, it may
not be ready to handle doing SM. Of course, this kind of processing is a
vital part of _every_ healthy relationship, SM or not.)
Not every BDSM player uses safewords. Some people into BDSM don't find them
useful for the style of play they prefer; more straightforward communication
suffices for them. Some partners find their need for a safeword gradually
diminishes as they come to know each other better. Some people do BDSM in
which the bottom doesn't _want_ to have a verbal escape route, for the
duration of the scene. One thing that you will learn about the BDSM scene is
that styles vary wildly, and peoples' experiences are astonishingly diverse.
But for many people beginning their explorations (and many who've explored
enormously), safewords have proved very helpful.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.3 Pushing limits, expectations and mistakes, mindfucks
[ Can someone write about edge play, hard and soft limits, and what to do when
mistakes happen? ]
**** Mistakes
I agree -- and those are good counter-points. But I wonder why we never see
anyone saying to, say, a newbie bottom:
"Look, shit happens. You will get hurt. Your top will make a mistake one
day. Most of the time, if you have the framework of trust, communication and
compassion set up, they won't be fatal errors. But don't kid yourself, it
will happen."
Or, to a newbie top:
"Face it. You're going to fuck up one day. You're going to hurt someone.
You won't mean to do it. You'll think you're doing the right thing at the
moment. But if you've done your groundwork ahead of time, you'll probably be
able to work it through."
A few weeks ago I ran a workshop on "Triggers" and the conversation turned to
a discussion of what happens when a scene gets royally *fucked*. So I asked
the audience two questions: what are a top's responsibilities and what are
the bottoms' responsibilities when a scene goes bad?
Most of the responses I received with regard to a top's responsibilities were
a mindless regurgitation of "give aftercare!" So I asked them questions like:
how are you going to handle it if you feel defensive? If you feel like you
are being accused or blamed unfairly? What if the bottom is in such a state
that s/he refuses aftercare? etc. I was stunned that most of the people (at
the least several vocal ones who were talking) hadn't really considered this.
And, in fact, the tops who *had been there* and were willing to talk about it
were *still angry* about being "accused" of poor topping. And it also struck
me (perhaps I'm still projecting) that they felt like they weren't allowed to
talk about being accused of bad topping without also earning the label of "BAD
TOP" in the process.
When I asked about the bottom's responsibilities -- well no one had much to
say. During the workshop, I felt as if people didn't really process bottoming
or submission as an act that carried its own set of responsibilities.
And that struck me as profound evidence of a *major* failure on the part of
the scene to give people these kinds of skills. And in fact, it strikes me as
*dangerous* that our aim in safety is to discuss ways we can "make it safer
and risk-free", since BDSM will never be either of those things.
My point is that instead of talking about the thousand and one things we can
do to remove pain from our lives, I'd much rather talk about the thousand and
one things we can do to *deal* with the pain in our lives.
See what sort of mistakes can happen if you don't communicate clearly:
<http://www.bme.freeq.com/people/gelding.html>
* What to do if you screw up as a top?
1. Stop (or, *pause*) the scene or activity.
2. Apologise to the sub and take any steps necessary to restore hir to
physical or mental well-being (first aid, comforting, etc.)
3. Problem-solve, if necessary. Figure out what happened and how to keep it
from happening again. Make sure both you and the sub feel safe in continuing.
4. Proceed with caution (this applies to deciding to continue that session as
well as for future sessions).
**** Mindfuck 101
As far as I know, there are no recorded SM-related injuries or deaths
resulting from a magic zap finger, pretend chloroform that is really water or
a razorblade that is actually a frozen credit card. ;) That's a pretty good
safety record. I like it, so I use those kinds of things in mindfuck and
role-playing scenes.
If you're willing to take at least minimal risks, there is a whole wide list
of things you can do to absolutely convince a bound, blindfolded bottom (who
doesn't, hopefully, read this newsgroup and hasn't gone to any QSM classes on
the subject, chuckle) that sie is being horribly, unsafely injured when in
fact nothing of the sort is happening.
The Branding Trick: With adequate build-up -- lighting the charcoal hibachi,
putting in the fake branding iron you make out of a coathanger (DON'T use this
type of metal for real branding scenes!) and tossing a raw hamburger on the
coals for the stink of burning flesh, a piece of dry ice struck briefly
against the skin makes a very, very convincing "brand".
Dry ice safety notes: this stuff will really brand skin in an uncontrolled
manner if you leave it in contact more than a second or two. Use gloves while
wearing it. Emotional safety note: convincing your sub you will brand hir and
then not going through with it for real can be edge play in a way you might
not have anticipated. Judge your subject for this mindfuck very carefully;
aftercare and reassurance may be needed.
Branding safety notes: It is not a good idea to attempt a real branding until
you have very thoroughly researched the subject and preferably have the
guidance of an experienced brander. If you feel you must play immediately
with real branding and no amount of safety precautions will stop you, I
suggest beginning your play with lightly heated acupuncture needles, the very
slender type. Burns spread drastically in thickness, and their depth depends
on the length of your strike and the heat retaining properties of the material
you are using, its density, size, etc. Nerve damage is not your friend, and
neither is infection. If you break your toys, you cannot play with them any
more. 'Nuff said.
The Hanging Trick: Tie a standard hangman's noose out of stiff rope,
preferably nylon rope, the nasty type that you don't want to use for bondage
because it's slick and scratchy and generally annoying stuff. This stuff will
hold together better for what you are about to do to it. Carefully cut the
thick part of the knot in two. Sew it back together with two strands (one
looped pass) of thin cotton thread. When it dangles straight down, it should
appear to be an unbroken single piece of rope -- which will have all the
tensile strength of two cotton threads. Tie the noose firmly to a beam, put
your subbie on a chair and make 'em jump. It's a trust game.
Safety notes on the hanging trick: THIS IS NOT 100% SAFE; THIS TRICK DOES
CARRY SOME DEGREE OF RISK. Jumping off a chair is not without risk,
particularly with something around your neck -- even something with the
tensile strength of cotton thread. Padding the floor might be a good idea,
and don't let anybody try this trick wearing high heels or slippery stockings.
Position the rope so that the bottom of the noose is tight up under the chin,
and the thread will break through abrupt pressure on the bottom of the chin.
You probably want to do some test runs on yourself (c'mon, thread is cheap),
positioning the noose in various places on yourself to understand what the
sensation actually is. I have tested this repeatedly on myself and on
consenting victims, and even when I deliberately positioned the noose directly
over my windpipe, the pressure of abruptly breaking two whole strands of
thread did not cause me or anyone else any discomfort. Make sure the other
end of the rope is tied firmly to something reasonably heavy. I did a double
mindfuck in the QSM class by making somebody else hold the other end of the
rope. ;)
The Cutting Trick: Blindfold your sub and tie hir down securely to the point
that sie cannot easily thrash about (test this first by asking for some
struggling or eliciting the struggling reaction). Put on some very loud music
in the background, and/or use earplugs on the sub. Now the fun part. Ground
yourself out to a violet wand. Put your hands on the metal of a not very
sharp knife -- a butter knife or a metal frosting spreader with no edges at
all works fine. Start in with the "cutting". The sensation of the
electricity running through the blade feels very much like you are being
deeply cut with a razor sharp instrument, particularly when the sub has no
idea you are using a violet wand and cannot hear the telltale buzzing that
will give your trick away. For additional fun, start out the "cutting" on
safer areas like the shoulderblades and the ass, and "blot" the "blood" with a
damp paper towel. Then go crazy and "slice" their throat, hamstring them on
the backs of the joints, and do other things that would be utterly unsafe if
you were really breaking the skin with a sharp instrument.
Safety notes on the cutting trick: If your sub is not securely tied down, sie
may thrash and knock over your expensive violet wand, or get hurt for real if
the knife you are using actually has a point or an edge. That's why metal
cake frosters with a smooth edge and rounded tip work very well for this
scene. The sharper the blade, the more intense the sensation will be because
of the smaller area for electrical conductivity, but use your good judgement
for safety if you are not sure you are prepared to handle a sharp instrument
in a scene like this.
Poor tops' cutting trick: Keep a credit card in the freezer. Blindfold your
partner and convince them you are cutting them with the nice, safe, chilly
frozen plastic. Butter knives work well, too. Since you don't have to use
earplugs here, you can keep up a wonderful verbal patter about how good the
little subbie is to bleed for you....and of course, you can always throw in a
fun "Ooops!" for some additional mindfuck, and sie will go crazy trying to
figure out what you did wrong while you had a "knife" to their neck. Fake
blood is good, too. Ketchup has a distinctive odor, so don't use it unless
your sub has no sense of smell.
Bad, Awful, Evil Mindfuck Trick: Securely tie up your bottom. Using
cornstarch or paper squares or other props, pretend to snort or ingest a
massive amount of "PCP laced crack with an LSD chaser" or whatever potent
judgement impairing substance you can make your bottom believe you could
obtain. Talk up a good game. Pretend you have the major munchies and you
think sie is a great big trussed turkey. Pretend you think the bottom is a
CIA spy who has been following you and who needs to be tortured for the
location of the alien mothership. If this does not scare hir, sie has not got
any sense.
Safety notes on the bad, awful, evil mindfuck trick: Well, this one is
probably the most horrible, trust-destroying, dangerous trick I could imagine
playing on someone. If you do not have a chance to drop the whacked-out
psycho persona and explain things before your bottom gets away, you could be
doing your explaining from behind bars, and your reputation will be absolute
mud when sie gets done talking to your friends in the BDSM community. Prepare
carefully, and think hard, before embarking on this one.
I've only done this trick once, back when I was a pro-domme, at a client's
request to "be scared. REALLY, really, scared. Nobody can scare me, so I
don't think you can do it, but try anyhow. I won't be impressed." I gave
into temptation and turned raving druggie psycho for the session, *after* I
got the guy secured in literal shackles and chains in a gag he couldn't yell
through. He said it was the best terror experience of his life.
After he wet his pants.
Anyhow, don't do this one to your friends, unless you are pretty sure that
they explicitly consent to terror and mindfuck, no limits except their
physical safety. I also don't recommend using mind altering substances in
reality during BDSM scening -- you need every ounce of your good judgement to
run a scene or to respond to a scene, and if something goes wrong and you need
to be on top of somebody else's physical or emotional safety, it's not a good
idea to be fucked up. I do know some experienced players who consent to play
under the influence, and that's their choice to take that degree of risk --
but I think it is very, very risky indeed not to have the safety net of a
fully functioning brain in case something goes wrong and someone needs to make
a judgement call.
Oh yeah -- and snorting cornstarch really sucks.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.3.4 Role-playing. Control. Topping from the bottom.
Knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant, sultan/concubine, pimp/hooker,
parent/child, pirate/captive, bully/victim, au pair/delinquent, Ming/Fay Wray,
interrogator/Babylon5 hero(ine), Sir Darcy/Gwendoline, guard/prisoner, etc.
Any role where one party has power over the other. They can come from any
source, and don't even need to match. Roles where there is also duty to obey
in one direction, or where there is a duty to protect or improve in the other,
add extra dynamics and can make the role-play more interesting.
One of the paradoxes of BDSM revolves around consensuality. Everything in
BDSM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the bottom's choice
to allow the top to _be_ in control. And since most of the time the top is
trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the bottom knows that, isn't the
bottom really in control?
Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene". The bottom
can always opt out, if it's consensual BDSM. But the top can go a long way
towards putting the bottom under the top's spell, making the bottom submit to
really strenuous bondages or beatings, using the bottom as the top pleases.
One friend of mine, for instance, takes great pleasure out of hog-tying his
girlfriend with her breasts bound and her hands behind her back and her ankles
tied to her ponytail, then putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking his
cock in her mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until he comes. Which of
them is "in control"? Both of them would say that he is, and both of them are
getting off on that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't matter too much.
Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the bottom can agree to
endure some pain to please the top, and the top can then (say) tie the bottom
tightly and tease to the point of orgasm. A particular activity in BDSM can
be enjoyable for its own sake, or because it's a favourite sensation of yours,
or because it turns your partner on so much to do it to you or with you, or
because you want to endure it out of pure stubborn pride. The paradox of
control can take many forms.
[ Someone else want to address the question of topping from the bottom? ]
------------------------------
Subject: 1.4.1 How to make your own. Cheap toys.
Well, here's a tuppence-worth from me... I've just started to try to make some
leather clothes, and the cheapest way I've found to get leather is to buy old
leather jackets from charity shops. I paid six quid for a blouson-style black
leather jacket, which provided more than enough leather for a lace-up top, but
the leather is far too thin for making anything involving 'load-bearing'
straps, such as harnesses.
I got a leatherworking product catalogue from an advert in Exchange & Mart,
the UK's perviest publication :-), which has lots of cheap buckles and tools
and stuff, but they charge about UKP 2.85 per square foot for thick (belt-
quality) hides, with each hide being about 20 square feet (the catalogue is a
strange mixture of metric and imperial, so bear with me...) so it'd cost about
57 quid to get a hide. You could make lots of stuff out of that, but the
initial outlay seems quite steep.
I'll name the catalogue if people are interested, but I think avoiding
advertising or criticism of companies might be a good idea. I'm also not sure
if they're 'perve-friendly'...
Basically, my point is that leather for clothes can be found cheaply, and even
I managed to make a functional garment on my first attempt (even if it's not
very elegant, more like 'Edward Scissorhands', which is the effect), but
'heavy' leather stuff, like harnesses or equipment, is a lot more expensive
and (IMO) harder to work.
**
1. The elastic strap flogger...get an elastic luggage strap from Halfords or
similar, and a wooden trowel handle from a garden centre...cut off the hook
from one end, then hot glue the cut end into the trowel handle. Then unpeel
the plaited outer covering from the luggage strap...and bingo, you have a
lovely flogger with hundreds of little rubber strands. Varnish the handle,
drill a hole through the top and insert a leather lace. (P.S. you can also
make a similar version using real horses tails, if you live near a stables).
2. The "guess which side you are gonna get next" paddle! Get a beach bat from
any toy shop...also get a lambskin polisher (for a Black and Decker drill),
from any do-it-yourself shop. With a profile saw, re-cut the beach bat to the
size of the lambskin polisher, then glue the lambskin to one side, and rub
down and varnish the other side. If you wish to, you can tape the handle using
leather tape from any drapers store. So, one side is varnished wood, and the
other, lovely soft lambskin....you can play all sorts of lovely games with
this.
3. An effective ball gag can be made for about UKP 2.50 ..... get a hard red
ball from a pet shop, and also a nylon webbing strap about 14" long and 3/4"
wide....put a sharp knife blade right through the ball (WITH CARE!!!!!),
insert the strap through, and Superglue it in place. Easy!
**
Many of the toys displayed for use at our channel meets I made: they range
from rope, rubber and leather floggers to wooden paddles and clothes peg and
nylon cord 'daisy chains'. The rubber floggers are especially easy to make:
Take a piece of broom handle cut to the length you prefer for a handle. If you
want a hanging or wrist loop cut a strip of rubber to the required length and
stick in position on the handle. Stretch a section of bicycle inner tube over
the handle: cut that to the desired length too. Cut along the mould lines you
will find on the rubber to give 5 tails (use a very sharp knife or scissors or
it will drag). Slide another section of tyre over the first and cut in the
same way for a 10 tail flogger. Drive in brass upholstery tacks in whatever
pattern you prefer, to secure the rubber to the wood and to provide
decoration. Use black paint or marker pen to colour the ends of the section of
broom handle. Make sure that you get a tyre that is wide enough to slide over
the wood tightly but fairly easily or it can be a real struggle. I got the
tyres free from Halfords. They had a pile of punctured ones they had replaced
for customers. A new broom handle will give enough wood for several floggers
and even with the tacks the whole flogger should not cost more than 50p and an
hour's work. You might have to experiment with the length of the tails and
handle to find a balance that is right for you.
For an even easier but stingy bootlace flogger: collect several long leather
laces, double over in the centre and tie together using a loop made from
another leather lace. Take a bicycle handle grip, poke a piece of stiff wire
(I used a coat hangar) through the end and then bend it over to form a hook.
Put the wrist/hanging/tying loop in the hook then close it using a pair of
pliers. Pull the wire back out of the handle taking the loop with it and pull
the doubled laces back as far into the handle as they will go. Release the
loop from the wire and tie a knot in it tight up against the end of the handle
grip. Done! Handle grips are available from UKP 1.99 a pair at Halfords: the
prices of laces vary but they are cheaper if you can get them as plain ties
from a leather shop rather than in pairs in a packet from shoe shops.
I find that table tennis bats are too light for paddles but simple patterns
cut from softwood work and can then have rubber, leather or fur stuck to them
using Evostick. Again you can use round-headed brass or chrome upholstery
tacks for decoration and to secure the material more firmly to the wood, and
to add extra bite to the paddle. A pattern forming your initials, or a heart
or the paddle's name adds interest and personalises your work.
Some of the well known D/S books like 'Screw the Roses', and 'The Loving
Dominant' have some ideas for kit and I have an American book called 'Kinky
Crafts - 101 DIY S/M Toys', from Greenery Press, which has instructions for
toys, dungeon furniture etc. It is available through the World Wide Web.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.5.3 Oh my god. My mother just looked in my closet. What do I do?
First of all, don't panic. Depending on what was there, and what your mother
is like, you may have nothing to worry about. You may need to explain to her
what some items are, and you should explain to her that you enjoy what you're
doing, that you're not being harmed by it, and that she's got nothing to worry
about. Anybody that's come out as gay/bi/lesbian etc. will be familiar with
this experience.
------------------------------
Subject: 1.5.4 How out do I 'have' to be? SM Pride. BDSM symbols.
You don't have to be out at all. You could restrict your BDSM activities to
your own imagination, magazines, looking at internet material. Or, you could
be slightly out, posting to this newsgroup, going to BDSM clubs (perhaps in a
mask to protect your anonymity). Or you could be slightly more out, and go on
SM Pride, the annual march through London in September. Or you could be
slightly more out, and wear a BDSM badge or pin. Or you could be hysterically
out, introducing yourself to people as "Hello, I'm Brian and I'm a pervert."
At the end of the day, the BDSM police are not going to march round to your
house and drag you into the limelight. There is no "have to" about being an
out BDSMer. It's more like a light bulb... if you don't turn it on, you'll
never be able to see what things really look like.
If you want to be "out" a certain extent, there is SM Pride. An annual march
organised by Countdown On Spanner (see Subject 5.1.1). This takes a high-
profile route through the West End of London, protesting about the current
legal position of BDSM activities (see Subject 5.1), and showing the powers
that be that BDSMers refuse to be ignored. Everyone tends to be in a party
mood, and many people dress up in their 'special' outfits, and wave banners,
placards, pull pony-carts, cause double-takes, whatever they fancy. The SM
Pride weekend contains not only this march, but a huge ball, and an afternoon
of BDSM workshops and stalls open to all BDSMers and curious types, organised
by SM Gays, SM Dykes, SM Bisexuals and Countdown On Spanner.
There is no popular BDSM symbol that has the instant recognition factor of,
say, a gay's pink triangle, or a anti-nuclear protester's cross in a circle.
There are some slogan badges, most popular seems to be Countdown On Spanner's
"Used, Abused and Loved It". The only symbol much used is the Leather Pride
Flag. This was designed in America to be a BDSM version of the gay
community's Rainbow Flag, and consists of nine stripes with a red heart symbol
at 45 degrees in the top left corner. The stripes go purple-black-purple-
black-white-black-purple-black-purple. It has been suggested that a symbol
for BDSMers on the 'net would be the flag on a 3.5in disk symbol...
Other symbols include a crossed ribbon made of black leather, and an emblem:
<http://www.wizvax.net/multics/dspin.html>
------------------------------
Subject: 1.6.1 Books
"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", by Philipp Miller and Molly Devon
"SM 101", by Jay Wiseman
"The Loving Dominant", by John Warren
"Sensuous Magic", by Pat Califia
Pat Califia, _Sensuous Magic_ (New York, Masquerade Books, 1993). ISBN 1-
56333-131-4, softcover. Pat Califia is a legendary writer about SM behaviour
and SM fantasy. This is her latest book and I recommend it unhesitatingly.
It is in my opinion hands-down the best how-to book about SM, combining
fictional vignettes with sincere, quality information delivered as effectively
as possible. If you are into SM, you will learn from this book; and if you
liked this FAQ but want more details, this is THE BOOK for you. Order it from
Good Vibrations (see the store list below).
_Different Loving_, by Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame, and Jon Jacobs
(Villard Books, New York, 1993, ISBN 0-679-40873-8), is a thorough, non-
judgmental work describing all aspects of SM sexuality. There are hundreds of
interviews and lots and lots of accurate information. If you ever wondered
whether there was anyone out there as kinky as you, buy this book, and know
you're not alone. It's a survey, not a how-to, but there's lots of safety
information in it anyway. 539 pages! The more of it I read, the more
impressed I've become.
I found several paperback copies of Gloria Brame's Different Loving in
Waterstones bookshop, on the Gender Studies and Health shelf. In Chester of
all places! So this means people should be able to order it via almost any UK
bookshop, if it's not on the shelves in your local Waterstones.
Details:
Different Loving Brame, Brame and Jacobs, Arrow Books, London, 1988, ISBN
0-09-918392-7, pp539,
127mm x 197mm, UKP 8.99
A brief and excellent introduction to safe SM is _The Lesbian S/M
Safety Guide_, edited by Pat Califia and published by Lace Publications (an
imprint of Alyson Publications). There is information in here on everything
from physical safety to emotional issues to negotiating with bottoms to
consensual slave contracts. It's written about lesbians, but very little of
the information is actually gender-specific. Excellent.
Larry Townsend's _The Leatherman's Handbook II_. This is fairly widely
available, and is by all accounts the best resource for gay male SM
information. I personally have never read it, but it's widely known. (The
first edition is still available, but II contains more information about AIDS
and safer sex, so it's probably what you want.)
_On the Safe Edge: A Manual For SM Play,_ by Trevor Jacques, with Dr. Dale,
Michael Hamilton, and Sniffer. ISBN: 1-895857-05-8 (paperback). This new
book comes recommended by many reputable and knowledgeable people in the
scene. It's a how-to with lots and lots of safety information. To order
directly, call WholeSM Publishing (SAN S1196111) at: (416) 962 1040 (after
October 17th) or you can reach the authors at 72624.3533@CompuServe.com
_Coming to Power_, by SAMOIS, published by Alyson Press. This is a book about
lesbian SM, written by a former Bay Area women's collective. It has a huge
spectrum of pieces from hot fantasy to personal history to political
pronouncement. Very worthwhile for all who are interested in SM, lesbian or
otherwise.
Mark Thompson (editor), _Leatherfolk_, Alyson Press. An EXCELLENT anthology
about the SM scene in America, from the 1930s through to the present. Focuses
mainly on the gay and lesbian SM communities, but contains much worthwhile
material for anyone interested in any aspects of SM.
_Learning the Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun S/M Lovemaking_, by Race
Bannon, Daedalus Publishing Co., 4470-107 Sunset Blvd., Suite 375, Los
Angeles, CA 90027. Available by mail from the publisher for $12.95 + $2.50
s/h (CA residents add 8.25% sales tax). Race is a well-known figure in the SM
scene, and by all accounts this book is quite comprehensive, describing all
aspects of safe SM from the physical to the spiritual. If you liked this FAQ,
I'd guess you'd like this book.
_SM 101_, published by Jay Wiseman, PO Box 1261, Berkeley, CA 94701. $19.95
will get you this book, which is one of the most thorough and in-depth
explorations of SM safety and SM practice I have had the pleasure to read. I
would consider this book very valuable for anyone who is wondering "how do I
get started?" Jay has many relatively specific examples and tips on how to
make your scenes delightful and memorable. He's an opinionated guy, but then
aren't we all? You can now get this in the UK from:
Books Etc. Ltd
120 Charing Cross Road
London
WC2H 0JR
+44 (0)171 379 6838
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ISBN=0963976389>
Jack Morin, _Anal Pleasure and Health_, Down There Press, Burlingame, CA.
This book has the complete lowdown on all aspects of anal sex -- safety,
hygiene, emotional issues, you name it. Extremely valuable information, well
presented.
Robert J. Stoller, _Pain and passion: a psychoanalyst explores the world of
S&M,_ 1991, New York et al.: Plenum, X, 306 pp. ISBN 0-306-43770-8. I've
heard that this book does an excellent job of revisiting (and refuting) the
common Freudian biases against SM, in spite of several far-from-objective
judgmental sections.
Two other psychoanalytic books dealing with SM (neither of which I've read)
are _Dark Eros_ by Thomas Moore and _Masochism_ by Lyn Cowan.
_Sadomasochism in Everyday Life: The Dynamics of Power and Powerlessness_,
Lynn S. Chancer, 1992, publisher momentarily unknown (but soon to be added),
ISBN 0-8135-1808-3. Chancer's book takes a long, hard look at the many social
contexts in which one group exercises power abusively over another. It's a
fascinating perspective from which to analyse racism, sexism, etc., and there
is a fair amount of material about BDSM in the sense it's been described in
this FAQ.
_Ties that Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style_ by Guy Baldwin, M.S. I'm
lacking complete bibliographic information for this book, which is too bad, as
it's a standout. Baldwin is a therapist who sees many people in the SM
community. He has a unique healer's perspective on many of the emotional and
psychological issues that arise for people in the scene. If you are doing a
lot of thinking about whether SM is right for you, or if you're working on
your SM with your partner and you want another point of view, do yourself a
COLOSSAL favour and buy this book. (You can order it from Mr. S Leathers, or
from QSM.)
_The Sexually Dominant Woman, A Workbook for Nervous Beginners_, by Lady
Green. (Lady Green's book is supposed to be very good for those who barely
know where to begin.)
[ Someone want to work out URLs pointing to Amazon to order these? ]
------------------------------
Subject: 2.1 What are FAQs?
FAQs are Frequently Asked Questions (like that one), plus the answers (such as
this one) that have been agreed by the people on the newsgroup.
For more information on FAQs read the Usenet newsgroup <news:news.answers>, or
browse the web page
<http://www.lib.ox.ac.uk/internet/news/faq/archive/faqs.about-faqs.html>
The bits inside <> are called URLs (see Subject 2.0 for more information).
Bits inside [] are comments by the maintainer, and not part of an answer. The
funny ----- lines are part of the RFC1153 digest format defined in
<http://www.lib.ox.ac.uk/internet/news/faq/archive/faqs.minimal-digest-
format.html>
------------------------------
Subject: 2.2 I'm new to the Net. What should I do? Where can I find out
more?
Since the internet is growing at a rapid rate, this isn't surprising. As with
any newsgroup, it is considered polite to read the newsgroup for a period of
time before posting anything (this can be anything from a few days to a few
months), to get a feel of that group. The finer points of netiquette are
outside the scope of this FAQ, but some general rules:
1. Keep your sig to four lines or less, and use a sig separator (-- ) as the
first line (that's dash-dash-space-carriage-return, the trailing space is
_important_).
2. Quote the text that you are replying to, and any other text that is
essential for context. Mark quoted text with a ">" at the start of each line -
most decent newsreading software will do this automatically for you. Attribute
all quotes ("person wrote:" etc.) properly.
3. Don't use all capitals, it's considered rude because IT'S THE VISUAL
EQUIVALENT OF SHOUTING AT YOUR READERS!
4. Please remember that this is UK.people.bdsm, so writing in English is
probably a good idea.
5. Read the charter for the newsgroup before posting, so that you know what is
and isn't on-topic (no ads etc.)
There are a number of FAQs on the subject of netiquette, and any new user
should read the newsgroup news.answers.newusers.
With the growth of the World Wide Web, there has been the introduction of
Search engines such as Yahoo <http://www.yahoo.com/> and AltaVista
<http://www.altavista.com/>. These are used to search the web (and sometimes
newsgroups) for pages and articles of interest for you.
------------------------------
Subject: 2.3 Why does it matter if I post something to an inappropriate
group?
Because it's considered rude, that's why. Some people pay to download news
articles, so you are wasting their money. Your post may also result in you
losing your account because people complain to your system administrators, so
it's not a good idea.
------------------------------
Subject: 2.8 What can I do if my ISP doesn't take a newsgroup I want to use?
There are a number of services that provide free access to newsgroups, most
popular amongst these is DejaNews <http://www.dejanews.com/>, although you
won't see any posts with "X-no-archive: yes" headers in them (this isn't
really an issue in most groups, but in ones like uk.people.bdsm where people
may not _want_ their articles in a public archive, it is). Some places such as
Superzippo offer newsfeeds for a small charge.
You can also ask your news administrator to take this group, although some may
refuse.
------------------------------
Subject: 2.9 What is IRC? How do I get onto the different nets?
"IRC" stands for Internet Relay Chat.
To get onto an IRC network, to chat to other people, you need to connect to an
IRC server. There are different servers for each network. A list of these
can be found at
<http://www.ezylynk.com.au/~willow/server.htm>
You can use telnet, but may prefer to use a special client, such as mIRC,
which is free from <http://www.mirc.co.uk/>
------------------------------
Subject: 3.1.2 IRC
There are complete lists of BDSM related channels at:
http://members.tripod.com/~kwhiting/irc-ds-bdsm-channels.html
http://www.cuffs.com/cguides.htm
The following ones have been recommended and have some regulars from the UK:
#1-femsubmission&slavesex
http://members.aol.com/femsss/
#1-femsubmissionsex
#bdsm
#bifemdomme
#bondage
#domination
#femdom
#femhumiliationsex
#gangrapesex
#rapesex
#slavesex
#spanking
#submission
See Subject 7.2.5 for UK-specific BDSM channels.
------------------------------
Subject: 3.1.4 Web sites - stories
http://magenta.com/lmnop/stories/jones/jones.html
Nurse Jones' The List
http://www.halcyon.com/elf/journals/index-32.html
Elf Sternberg's Journal
http://magenta.com/lmnop/stories/laylah/laylah.html
Blessed be, Laylah Martelli
http://www.tpe.com/~mule/shared/bedtime2.htm#characters
Amity & Mule's Bedtime Stories
http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/archive/written/garden.txt
Trystilarn's Chinese Gardens
http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/bdsm/archive/written/t-and-j.txt
Tom McDermet's The Adventures of Terri and Jennifer
http://www.mills.edu/PEOPLE/gr.pages/mohanraj.public.html/Stories/chantelle.ht
ml
Mary Anne Mohanraj's Chantal
http://www.u36.com/jordan/unwrap.html
Jordan Shelbourne's Unwrap Party
http://www.akashaweb.com/crystal.htm
Akasha's Crystal Tears
http://www.mit.edu:8001/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/t/h/thomasc/Public/richh/coolt
hing.html
RICHH's Cool Thing
------------------------------
Subject: 3.1.5 Web sites - other
http://weber.u.washington.edu/~humsex/ftpsite.html#bdsm
BDSM document archive from the Society for Human Sexuality
------------------------------
Subject: 4.0 What is the UK?
The UK is a kingdom off the coast of north-west Europe. It consists chiefly of
the island of Great Britain (comprising Wales, Scotland and England) and
Northern Ireland, but also assorted territories. It became officially The
United Kingdom Of Great Britain And Northern Ireland in 1922 when the rest of
Ireland became autonomous.
------------------------------
Subject: 4.1 I'm visiting the UK, do you have any advice?
Don't try to bring any published BDSM material through Customs. No matter how
mild you may think it is, it's up to the individual Customs officer what they
confiscate. The majority of SM paraphernalia is, however, quite legal,
although electrical toys may be seized as they may be deemed either weapons or
medical apparatus. If you're asked what the whip or crop is, just tell the
truth. There's little they can do except embarrass you.
In terms of other advice, the UK is known for its changeable weather. Never
assume it will be warm, and always bring something waterproof. The individual
parts of the UK are so varied as to seem like separate countries, and
guidebooks can give more conventional information than we can here. For info
on BDSM events, the best thing to do is go to a fetish shop and ask for the
latest flyers (if they aren't on display): lists of these are in some
magazines available world-wide (such as Skin Two), or see our section on club
websites (see 7.2.1).
------------------------------
Subject: 5.1 Is BDSM against the law?
This is a difficult question to answer. It has to be yes, and no. A police
operation named "Operation Spanner" targeted a group of gay and bisexual
BDSMers in the early nineties, because they mistook a home movie of their
activities to be a snuff film. When the case came to court, the men pleaded
not guilty to charges of causing actual bodily harm on the grounds that they
had all consented to the activities. The prosecution could not get any of the
men to say it had been non-consensual, and had even tried threatening the
"subs" with aiding and abetting actual bodily harm, as they had asked for
these things to be done to them. Nevertheless, the judge decided that consent
was not a valid defence, and with no other available defence, the men were
found guilty. A campaign group (Countdown On Spanner) quickly appeared and
started to make a lot of noise about this, and the case went to appeal. The
appeal failed, and it went to the Law Lords. The Law Lords upheld the original
judgement, but did recommend that the law be changed, and noted that the
definition of Actual Bodily Harm by then had changed so much that the original
prosecution would not have gone through.
The case only refers to activities, such as whipping or caning, that leave
marks. Any mark which is "of more than a trifling or transient nature" is
currently against the law. The only way to test this, however, is to have
another court case. A case cannot go ahead without evidence (the marks
themselves are not enough, they have to prove how they were gained) and so
unless you have videotapes, and someone gives one to the police, you are
probably safe... The case makes no mention to the legal status of consensual
bondage, humiliation, role-play, fetishism, watersports, or any other BDSM
activities except those which mark.
------------------------------
Subject: 5.1.1 Countdown on Spanner
The campaign group "Countdown on Spanner" has been superseded by two groups:
"SMPrideOrg (UK)" and "The Spanner Trust". They issued the following notice:
COUNTDOWN ON SPANNER CALLS IT A DAY
After considerable discussion, the Countdown on Spanner Campaign has resolved
to wind itself down and to transfer its assets and energy to the proposed SM
Pride Organisation.
Campaigners decided that as the Spanner Case was finally over, it was prudent
to move on to a new agenda. Activists at its last meeting welcomed the news of
the proposed SM Pride venture. And were pleased to be able to actively support
this new organisation as a positive celebration of pan-sexual SM sexuality.
The Countdown on Spanner Campaigner was founded by Kellan Farshea in 1992 as a
pan-sexual activist SM organisation. Its central aims were to raise funds to
support the Spanner men; to raise public awareness about SM sexuality; and to
promote SM as a valid adult sexuality. Over the five years of its existence it
raised over £80,000 for the SM rights cause, allowing the Spanner case to be
fought through the British judicial system and to the European Court of Human
Rights. Although the case was finally lost in the courts, campaigners have
argued that in terms of public acceptance of SM, community awareness and
political support, the campaign was a brilliant success. It helped to change
the political climate regarding consensual adult sex, and helped to create an
international SM community. Among the organisations that developed out of this
climate was SM Dykes, SM Bisexuals, The Sexual Freedom Coalition, The Annual
SM Pride Weekend and The Spanner Trust.
As well as thanking every person who ever donated money, time or energy to the
Campaign, the campaigners wished to extend a special thank-you to the Central
Station in Kings Cross which provided the group with a home for five years.
Long time campaign member, Dr Mike Frost said "Despite losing the Spanner
Case, I believe that Spanner was a major factor in the recent developing wider
awareness and acceptance of SM sexuality in the UK".
Ishmael Skyes, author, said "one of the achievements of the campaign was its
ground-breaking role in uniting gay, bisexual, lesbian and heterosexual
sadomasochists behind one flag".
Rob Grover, Erotic Oscar winner, said "SM and Leather groups across the world
rallied to the cause and raised over £80,000 over the 5 years of the campaigns
existence".
Kellan Farshea, Founder of the Campaign said "This is obviously an emotional
decision but over the years I believe that the campaign has changed the face
of sexuality politics in Britain. And through SM Pride, the spirit of the
campaign will live on, giving strength and support to sadomasochists across
Britain and promoting SM as a valid sexual choice."
Whilst the activist vitality of the campaign will be carried in SM Pride.Org,
the balance of the monies raised will continue to be held by The Spanner
Trust. Under the terms of its deed, it will continue to work in support of SM
rights across the world. And any groups that think they may be eligible for
such a grant should contact the Trust in writing.
For more details about Countdown On Spanner, the forthcoming SMPrideOrg (UK)
or The Spanner Trust, contact Kellan at <mailto:k-k@dircon.co.uk>.
------------------------------
Subject: 5.5.0 Play parties
These are usually invitation-only, non-commercial events held on private
premises. See <http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/ppetique.txt>
------------------------------
Subject: 5.5.1 I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?
[ this section needs quite a bit more. Like how liable are
hosts in the UK? ]
[ And don't say "Just lift it up and chuck it". ]
Here are some suggested rules:
1) Don't intrude on anyone's scene unless you're specifically asked to join
in.
2) Men should not ask women for their phone numbers, but should wait for
women to offer. (If this isn't a rule, then at the very least, it should be
made clear that if a woman doesn't want to give her phone number to a man, he
should not pester her or intimidate her about it.)
3) Do not touch anyone without hir permission.
4) If you ask someone if they're interested in doing a scene with you, and
sie declines, do not ask again.
5) Don't come to the front door wearing your fetish gear and cracking your
whips. Bring your stuff in nondescript bags and change once you're inside.
Especially if the party is at someone's private home.
6) If you run into someone you meet at the party out in the real world (tm)
don't strike up a conversation with hir, especially not about the party or the
scene, unless you are absolutely certain it's okay to do so. (That might be
hir boss or vanilla significant other or parents sie's with.)
7) If someone breaks one of these rules, let a host or a dungeon monitor know
about it. The offender should either get one warning or be told to leave
immediately. If you're told to leave, don't expect ever to be able to come
back.
8) Anyone, especially a woman, who attends the party alone should be given an
escort to hir car by one of the hosts, or someone the hosts trust completely.
------------------------------
Subject: 5.5.2 I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?
The etiquette will vary with the party, but basically you need to act with
respect for others: don't interrupt a scene (unless the place is on fire or
another such emergency), no flogging without permission, all subs are not YOUR
subs...and all doms are not YOUR dom. Don't hog all the sausage rolls at the
refreshment table...things like that...
Ask yourself the following questions:
* Is at least one important part of your goal in attending this social event
to actually be social and to meet new friends?
* Are you comfortable talking and laughing with other BDSM people of all
genders, including transgendered people? Shaking hands or giving hugs, again
irrespective of gender or appearance?
* Do you understand that no one is attending this party to personally
entertain you, and that you are responsible for acting like a mature and
courteous adult even if you are talking to someone who isn't wearing any
clothes?
------------------------------
Subject: 5.5.3 I want to attend a club, but I'm frightened. What's it like?
Following on from a conversation I had with a certain subbie at a recent
munch, I felt I would like to post my thoughts on first time club-going. Now,
this sub was (and still is) curious about the clubbing scene, but her fear of
being 'hit on' is stopping her from experiencing this new and wonderful world.
I would like to re-iterate what I told her and hopefully encourage many others
who may currently be considering going but are finding their fear is taking
over. I hope this post will help you to pluck up the courage to visit one,
which will hopefully lead to two, and three and on and on (the fun never
stops!)
As a single femsub, I was nervous, apprehensive (OK, I'm honest -- terrified!)
about going to my first club/do at Moonman's Dream several weeks ago and I
haven't looked back since...
Both prior to and during the event, I was made well aware by the staff that if
I had any problems, to run to them immediately and the wally giving me grief
would be instantly chucked out. During the time spent at the club, I must have
been checked on to 'see if I was ok' at least a dozen times which made me feel
incredibly safe <they know who they are *snarffles*> and I had a wonderful
time :))))))
The organisers of these clubs are very aware that a first-time club event can
be a make-or-break situation for a newbie i.e. if it goes badly, you ain't
gonna come back and they *want* you to come back. Hence their policy is to
make sure you have a good time and feel completely secure. And their policy
works! (Big plug for the Desyre Foundation and their crew).
The nice thing too of course, is that there really doesn't tend to be any
situations where people are 'hit on' by a prat, because the events are so well
organised, that prats are pretty well weeded out well before the event or kept
a close eye on by the staff during the evening. Hence, a good mix of
interesting, lively, like-minded people go to have fun, chat etc. and not to
cause anyone any grief.
This has ended up being rather a long post (I do ramble a bit on my soap box
don't ya know <g>) but I hope the message is clear -- it's *safe* to
go...you're well looked after by the organisers and staff, and it is immense
fun! Try it for yourselves...you won't regret it.
------------------------------
Subject: 5.5.4 What does a dungeon monitor at a club actually do?
Ten Tips For Novice Dungeon Monitors (Version 1.0)
Copyright 1998 by Jay Wiseman.
For many years now, play parties have had special people fill the role of
"dungeon monitors" -- or DMs for short These people are mainly there to
ensure that the party rules are complied with, and to otherwise create a safe
space for the attendees. However, DMs are also the delegates of the host, and
they both can and should assist the attendees as much as possible in enjoying
the party. In the past twenty years, I have been a host or a DM at more than
100 play parties and I have the following words of basic advice to pass on:
1). Know the party rules and the house rules cold.
Given that your primary responsibility is to enforce the party rules, this
rule may seem pretty obvious, but its amazing how many DMs I've seen who were
unclear on the party rules or the house rules. I advise you to look over the
rules carefully before you start your shift and to keep a copy of them on you.
2). Don't play or overly socialise while on duty.
While you are on duty as a DM, you are there to create a safe space for
others, not to play and not to socialise too much with one particular person
or group of people. Dont let yourself get distracted.
3. Circulate. If an area hasn't been inspected in the last fifteen minutes,
go look at it.
Its frequently the case that the party space is larger than you can watch
over from one particular vantage point, so "walk your beat". As a rule of
thumb, if an area hasn't been checked within the last fifteen minutes, it's
time to go take a look. Be especially alert for any sign of intoxication, as
many SM-related accidents would not have occurred had not one or more of the
people involved been intoxicated.
4. Don't show favouritism (positive or negative) to anybody.
It can be very tempting to want to cut your personal friends a bit of slack
regarding their compliance with some of the less popular party rules. Don't.
If "the word" gets out that there is one set of rules for the friends of the
host and the DMs, and another set for the more "lowly" people (and the word
will rather quickly get out if this is indeed the case), you have both
seriously damaged your credibility and set the stage for hard feelings --
maybe even a confrontation.
One of the hardest challenges of DMing is to be scrupulously fair regarding
how you monitor a scene done by someone you personally dislike. Again, there
can't be two standards. Also, it's unfair to "micro-DM" a scene being done by
someone that you dislike. If you can't be fair to all, don't be a DM.
5. Intervene sooner rather than later.
Sooner or later, you are going to see somebody doing something that is against
the party rules. When this occurs, it might be a good idea to wait a few
minutes to see if the behaviour stops. (It frequently does when the people
notice that a DM is watching). However, if the improper behaviour goes on for
more than a few minutes, it's time to intervene. It's human nature to test
limits and to see if the stated rules are the actual rules. Make sure that
people understand what the rules are and that complying with them is not
optional. If they start to get the idea that complying with the party rules
is optional, you can have a real problem on your hands, and the longer this
non-compliance goes on the harder it will become for you to correct.
Also, correcting an error when you first see it helps preserve the energy of
the scene. I have seen scenes ruined by DMs who watched a violation and
didn't do something about it until the energy of the scene was nearing its
peak. Such a approach can ruin the scene for the participants and earn the DM
a (deservedly) bad reputation.
Key Point: Nobody benefits when a DM observes improper behaviour and fails to
promptly correct it.
6. Intervene gently and diplomatically.
Wilful violations of the party rules are actually rather rare. What's far
more common is that someone simply doesn't know that a particular activity
isn't allowed. Therefore, take a low-key attitude when you approach the
people involved. There is almost never a need to create a scene. Among other
things, this approach helps preserve the dignity of the people involved. A
gentle reminder is almost always all that it needed. (On the rare occasion
that something more than a gentle reminder is needed, I strongly recommend
that you get the party host before taking action.)
7. Be ready for emergencies.
Emergencies may involve either only a single individual -- such as a fainting
-- or they may involve the entire party -- such as a power failure or even an
earthquake. Make sure you know where the various items of emergency equipment
are. Make sure that you know where the exits are and how to open them.
8. Have proper training and equipment.
While you are on duty as a DM, you should wear some type of readily-
identifiable emblem that signals your role. (Naturally, you should remove
this emblem when not on duty). If at all possible, take training in first aid
and CPR at least once a year. In addition, you should have some latex or
other fluid-proof gloves on your person. A small flashlight and a pair of
good-quality EMT scissors are also important to have on your person.
9. Help provide minor assistance with matters such as food, trash, and music.
Putting on a play party has been called "the curse of the ten thousand
details". While it's not usually your job, strictly speaking, to pick up
paper cups and other bits of trash that have been left lying around, or to
take care of things like the music or temperature level, or to put out fresh
food, you will earn the gratitude of the host if you help out with those tasks
as you can without compromising your primary duties. In particular, post-
party clean-up is often the hardest part of any play party, so anything you
can do to make that task easier will be especially appreciated.
10. Debrief after the party.
After a party -- perhaps not immediately afterwards but within a day or two --
talk with the host, the other DMs, and perhaps others who either attended or
helped put on the party to discuss what did or didn't work. Were there any
especially difficult problems with any particular person? Was some aspect of
the party handled especially poorly or especially well? Dont be surprised if
every play party has something to teach you.
Copyright issues footnote: I wrote this article with the hope that it would
be widely read and distributed, and without any particular expectation of
financial compensation in return for writing it. Therefore, I consent to the
following uses of this essay:
1. It's fine with me if you read it.
2. It's fine with me if you send it, in unaltered form and including this
copyright issues footnote, in private e-mail to appropriate others.
3. It's fine with me if you post it, as mentioned in point # 2, to newsgroups
and closed mailing lists.
4. If you put it up on a private, no-fee-to-access, website, please put it up
as mentioned in point # 2 and include a link to the Greenery Press website
(www.bigrock.com/~greenery) and to the Submissive Women Kvetch website
(members.aol.com/oldrope/).
5. I do require that you get my specific prior permission before putting this
article up on a pay-to-access website, putting it in a book or periodical
offered for sale, or otherwise charge for any sort of access to it.
------------------------------
Subject: 5.7 What is the history of the scene in the UK? The Hellfire club,
etc.
[ Does information on Cynthia Payne, etc. belong in the FAQ? ]
_The Woman's Encyclopaedia of Myths and Secrets_, Barbara G. Walker
(Harper/Collins, formally Harper and Row)
_Intimate Matters_, D'Emilio and Freedman (Harper and Row)
_Sex in History_, Reay Tannahill (Scarborough House)
------------------------------
Subject: 6.2 Am I still welcome in the uk.* groups if I don't live in the
UK?
Yes. Anyone with an interest in the UK is welcome in the uk.* groups, although
they should respect the fact that these are a regional discussion forum.
Mentioning in passing that things are different in Nebraska is one thing, but
ranting on about the Constitution or senators or your TV programmes will not
make you many friends. Also if you have little experience of UK politics or
current affairs, please don't tell those of us who live here what our country
is like -- this may sound obvious, but it does happen!. If you're from the UK
and moved away, or are intending to visit, you are also very welcome here, but
do see Subject 7.1.7.
------------------------------
Subject: 7.1.1 Its Charter
uk.people.bdsm: CHARTER v1.0
written by group proponent: Amethyst <mailto:amethyst@jadzia.demon.co.uk>
Charter:
This group is for the discussion of bondage, discipline,
Domination, submission and sado-masochism in the UK by those
involved in the scene and those with an interest in the scene.
I hope that this group will not have the need to enforce strict
on-topic discussion but will be a friendly place for those
interested or involved in the BDSM scene can get to know one
another. However the initial posting in a thread should be on-
topic, however much it may wander later. Queries about BDSM
practice, tips on safety, discussion of methods and materials,
arrangement of related UK meetings and events etc are all on
topic.
alt.sex.bondage has a policy of allowing explicit fiction, however
I feel it may be best to put this off-topic. However announcements
when a story has been posted to alt.sex.stories or
alt.sex.stories.bondage by a member of the group are allowed.
Advertising:
Short (less than 20 line) announcements of _UK events_ relevant to
readers are permitted; blatant off-topic or commercial advertising
(even those related to the group topic and in particular for phone
sex, explicit web sites or bulletin boards) are not. If you run a
related business you may advertise it in your sig, providing it
does not exceed 6 lines total, if you have something relevant to
post to the group.
Binaries:
Binaries are not permitted on this group, they should be posted to
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage. Posts advertising web sites
or bulletin boards containing explicit pictures are not welcome,
again you may advertise in your sig if you have something relevant
to post.
Personals:
Personals are off-topic. The correct place for personals is
uk.adverts.personals.
------------------------------
Subject: 7.1.2 its History
Amethyst writes:
The creation of uk.people.bdsm started in November of 1996 when I proposed a
uk.sexuality hierarchy which would include a bdsm group. This caused uproar
mostly because it included the suggestion that uk.gay-lesbian-bi could be
rmgrouped and replaced with uk.sexuality.gay-lesbian-bi and I forgot to post
it to uk.glb. It was a mistake, sorry. The rest of the ensuing discussion
centred around the naming of the group, it was instantly obvious that nobody
wanted to use the sex wildcard in case of spamming. There were also worries
about propagation of a newsgroup about BDSM, would educational servers carry
it etc. There was far more positive response to just a UK BDSM group than for
a difficult-to-name uk.sexuality group and hierarchy. So I suggested
uk.people.bdsm as a potentially safe name in a reasonably suitable place.
The RFD for uk.people.bdsm was sent to Control on the 28th of November 1996.
It was finally posted at the end of January 1997. There was now still concern
over the name, this time centring around it being too incomprehensible.
Finally the RFD was posted on the 25th January 1997.
Following are the summaries and rationale...
Summary: uk.people.{adult}.bdsm Discussion of bondage, discipline, s/m and
D/s in the UK.
RATIONALE:
This group will allow people in the British BDSM scene to
contact one another and discuss matters more pertinent to
the UK than other countries such as where to find clubs,
shops or specific items and the legal and social implications
of expressing an interest in this area in the UK. It can also
be used to arrange munches (or meets) around Britain, hope-
fully catering not just for the people in London.
There is one world-wide group devoted to this area, alt.sex.bondage,
but it is unfortunately inundated with spammers and also very
American-orientated. It can be very difficult for people in the
BDSM scene to contact one another and this group may help many
British people find out about their kinks and find others they can
discuss them with.
Summary of RFD Discussion:
The only negative point brought up was in respect to the naming of the group.
There was some disagreement as to how obvious it must be made that the content
of the group is adult. Thus the choice of names in the vote as to whether to
include the term adult or not, other suggestions made were not favoured by the
other members of the discussion. It was also pointed out that the group should
specify no personals to avoid the problem alt.sex.bondage has had with
personals and that the definition of BDSM should include the term discipline.
One person asked if it was allowable to vote against a group for reasons of
personal taste. However the majority of people supported the group.
The three options on the vote form were...
1. Create new newsgroup uk.people.bdsm
2. Create new newsgroup uk.people.adult.bdsm
3. Do not create a newsgroup
Voting ended on the 16th March 1997 and the group passed with the results
52 for uk.people.bdsm
19 for uk.people.adult.bdsm
2 for no new group
11 invalid ballots
I don't know the precise date it was created, should have been about 1 week
after the result was announced, it certainly came into existence before the
end of March 1997.
------------------------------
Subject: 7.1.6 Its munches
PAST:
1998-02-21: Birmingham - Moonman's Dream
[ Anyone want to write a review I can point to?
Can anyone write a canonical list of past munches? ]
COMING: ? [ see Tanos' events list ]
------------------------------
Subject: 7.1.7 Hi, I'm new to this group. What should I do?
Well, hold your breath. It's best to read the group for a while before
posting, to get an idea of the tone, content and, ahem, personalities. Some
FAQs suggest reading for a month, but with a group like this you'd go mad with
frustration. Try to hold out for two weeks, or read about 30 articles. Then
the best thing to do, as in polite society, is introduce yourself. Just post a
"Hello! I'm new!" message (not in an ongoing thread about plumbing and
depilatories!!) and tell us a bit about yourself. The info you put in might
include: where in the UK you live, how you identify
(gay/straight/bi/dyke/bent/kinky/fetishist/switch/Dom/sub/slave/pet/whatever)
and a bit about your interests and fantasies... If you're lucky, and you put
some truth in, you may even provoke your own thread...
------------------------------
Subject: 7.2.0 Links - BDSM
For non-UK specific BDSM links see Subject 3.1.*
Websites often move or change, so link lists are hard to keep current.
There is an online version of this list at
[ Anyone volunteer to host and maintain this section? ]
Pages will probably not be listed if they
a) have asked not to be listed,
b) are known to be broken,
c) are just personal or
d) charge for access to all significant content
Additionally, sites selling fetish clothing will probably not be listed here
(despite that being closely linked to BDSM) unless they also have some BDSM
specific content such as personals or dungeon equipment, since there already
exists a brilliant guide to UK fetish shops at http://www.awe.com/~jnorth/uk
------------------------------
Subject: 7.2.1 UK BDSM Clubs online
http://www.grndlvl.demon.co.uk/
Desyre Foundation
Thingfish
http://LFF.nixnet.com/
Fetish Fair
Nich
http://www.tawse.com/
Muir Reform Academy, and The Other Pony Club
Sir Guy Masterleigh
http://www.best.com/~topdog1/doghouse/index.html
Other Kennel Club
topdog1@best.com
http://www.skintwo.co.uk/rubberball/rubberball.html
Rubber Ball
online@skintwo.co.uk
http://www.backspace.org/torturegarden/
Torture Garden
torturegarden@backspace.org
http://www.powerhouse.co.uk/powerhouse/smgays/home.htm
http://www.dircon.co.uk/powerhouse/smgays/home.htm
SM Gays
smgays@aol.com
http://www.andelain.demon.co.uk/smbi/
SM Bisexuals
smbi@andelain.demon.co.uk
Mortice Deadlock
http://www.corp.demon.co.uk/
Out of Town Klub
zoe@corp.demon.co.uk
http://members.tripod.com/~wolfPup1/sishome.htm
http://www.cablenet.net/~twoboyz/main.htm
Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
scott@twoboyz.cablenet.co.uk
http://www.backspace.org/fist/
FIST
http://www.whiplash.co.uk/lff/voile.htm
Club Voile
Heather
http://www.whiplash.co.uk/boat.htm
The Firm
info@whiplash.co.uk
http://www.fistersdungeon.com/
http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/~fister/lonreds.htm
London Reds - gay men into fisting
londonreds@aol.com, fister@easynet.co.uk
http://www.powerhouse.co.uk/powerhouse/gummi/home.htm
Gummi - gay men into rubber
gummi@powerhouse.co.uk
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~mscmsc/mschome.htm
Manchester Super Chain
mscmsc@dircon.co.uk
http://www.idiscover.co.uk/jewels/Ukgroups.htm
List of Transvestite Groups in the UK
http://www.westwardbound.com/party.html
Divine Inspiration
------------------------------
Subject: 7.2.2 UK BDSM Magazines online
http://www.erotica.co.uk/ft/
Fetish Times
Pan@cix.compulink.co.uk
http://www.skintwo.co.uk/
Skin Two
http://www.ritualmag.co.uk/
Ritual Magazine
victron@easynet.co.uk
http://www.secretmag.com/
Secret
rh30096@glo.be
http://www.shiny.co.uk/
Shiny
newmar@panther.netmania.co.uk
http://www.hallucinet.com/blueblood/bb_home.htm
Blue Blood
black@jps.net
http://www.o-mag.com/indexAB.html
<<O>>
o@cybortronik.com, links@o-mag.com
http://www.boudoir-noir.com/index2.html
Boudoir Noir [ is this Canadian? Is on sale in the UK ]
boudoir@boudoir-noir.com
http://www.desire.co.uk/Desire.htm
Desire
postmaster@desire.co.uk
http://www.arc.co.uk/body3/home.html
Body Politic : sex & power edition
bonnard@arc.co.uk, body@arc.co.uk
http://www.januslondon.co.uk/shop/main.html
Janus (Janus, Februs, Obey, Privilege, Kane, Phoenix, Blushes, etc)
PrivClub@januslondon.co.uk, wletters@januslondon.co.uk
http://www.splosh.co.uk/home.htm
Splosh!
Dave Preston , Hayley
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Lights/9921/fcc.html
Tied 'n' Teased
mistress_alex@geocities.com
http://www.thoth.demon.co.uk/html/archive.html
Pitiless
Camille & Switcher
http://www.cyberotic.co.uk/flashart/footsy.html
Footsy
flashart@cyberotic.co.uk
http://www.cruella.com/toc.htm
Cruella
alien@domina.demon.co.uk
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~sandmark/smonline/contents.htm
Feral
sandmark@dircon.co.uk
------------------------------
Subject: 7.2.3 UK BDSM Event Listings online
http://members.tripod.com/~Tanos/UKlinks.html
UK BDSM links
Tanos
http://members.tripod.com/~Tanos/BrChains/
Britain in Chains
http://www.fetish-net.org.uk/enter.html
Fetish Net
webslave@fetish-net.org.uk
http://public.diversity.org.uk/guides/london/#Daily
Daily guide to London's Gay SM clubs
Peter Boots
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~smelf/18/18fet.htm
SM Elves
Shaun & Elaine
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~cjm-drw/list.htm
rubber clubbing
Chris May
------------------------------
Subject: 7.2.4 UK BDSM Web sites - other
http://uk.dir.yahoo.com/regional/countries/united_kingdom/
society_and_culture/sexuality/activities_and_practices/bdsm/
Yahoo [ Hey people! Submit your URLs here. It needs fillin' ]
http://www.andelain.demon.co.uk/mortice/stories/index.htm
http://www.twilight.demon.co.uk/jstories.htm
http://www.jadzia.demon.co.uk/fanfic/xmen/mhairie.htm
BDSM fiction by UK Authors
http://www.beyond2000.co.uk/pallando/BDSM/alchemy.html
Some BDSM philosophy
http://www3.mistral.co.uk/storm-cloud/menu.htm
Savage UK
savage@mistral.co.uk
http://latches.ppages.com/newslt/euro.htm
Humour
http://www.zynet.co.uk/wildfire
Wildfire
embassy@pro-net.co.uk
http://www.ijama.demon.co.uk/ijama.htm
Ijama
webmaster@ijama.demon.co.uk
http://www.grndlvl.demon.co.uk/moondream.htm
Moonman's Dream
andrea ,
The Moonman
http://www.barnsdle.demon.co.uk/span/span1.html
Spanner
David Barnsdale
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~k-k/
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/kellan_farshea/spanneru.htm
Kellan Farshea's guide to London
Kellan Farshea
http://www.ranch.demon.co.uk/
http://194.152.67.65/0001/default.htm
Pony Girl's Ranch
Pony@ranch.demon.co.uk
http://www.erotica.co.uk/cc/index.html
Catalogue Connection
http://www.expectations.co.uk/
Expectations
sales@expectations.co.uk, Neil Hodges
http://www.regulation-ltd.co.uk/page001.html
Regulation
webinfo@regulation-ltd.co.uk
http://www.freedom.co.uk/anvil/index1.htm
The Anvil
nimaster@dircon.co.uk
http://public.diversity.org.uk/deviant/frames.htm
Deviant's Dictionary
Des (Dirk) de Moor
http://www.netcomuk.co.uk/~antje_c/blowabout.html
Inflatable rubber
antje_c@netcomuk.co.uk
http://www.swagger.co.uk/otk/ads.htm
Miss Lyn's Spanking Personals
misslyn@swagger.co.uk
http://www.freedom.co.uk/gagg/post_uk.htm
Gay Army Gear Group
gagg@pbw-co.powernet.co.uk
http://www.latexpajamas.com/rub_loc_uk.html
Rubber Lover personals
squirm@latexpajamas.com
http://www.eroticon.no/nicki/b2.html
Nicki Lewis's lockable rings
Nicki Lewis
http://www.hubcom.com/channel/soho/shop/boy/boy.htm
http://www.hubcom.com/channel/soho/shop/paradi/paradi.htm
Soho Shops
Mike Farrow
http://www.ghost.co.uk/shani/cybersex.htm
Getting it wrong on IRC
Shani
http://www.webdevelop.com/~suzanne/home2.htm
Swinging Parties
Suzy Kitten
http://www.idiscover.co.uk/jewels/Pr-fr-ch.htm
Press for Change
ms@jewels.idiscover.co.uk
http://www.phszx81.demon.co.uk/munch/
Paul Harrison's UK #bdsm munches list
http://artbitch.com/darkside/gallstrt.htm
Giga's Art
DarkSide@g-i-g-a.demon.co.uk
http://home.rednet.co.uk/homepages/hgames/directry/frameb.html
'massage' in the UK
harmlesgames@online.rednet.co.uk
http://www.demesne.org/Beithe_Eilean/slprgb.html
BDSM version of UK game
Alex
http://members.aol.com/Raihir/
>>Try Stuart at New Age Trading
>>stuart@trustu.dungeon.com
------------------------------
Subject: 7.2.5 UK BDSM bulletin boards, talkers, IRC channels, etc.
irc://ircnet/bdsm-uk
http://www.netmania.co.uk/enquirer/slavery.html
dave@the-enquirer.com
irc://dalnet/submissionUK
http://www.obscure.u-net.com/meets.htm
webmaster@obscure.u-net.com
irc://dalnet/subUK_scenes
irc://dalnet/spankingUK
irc://ircnet/gaysmuk
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~garrick/gaysmuk.htm
garrick@dircon.co.uk
irc://dalnet/SecretMagazine
http://www.secretmag.com/seconirc.htm
http://www.moonman.demon.co.uk/chat.htm
Moonman's chat room
http://www.mrs-silk.com/chat.htm
Mrs Silk's chat room
mrssilk@mrs-silk.com
http://members.aol.com/dominionuk/ukussubdom.htm
http://members.aol.com/sublondfem/D-sPage/Index.htm#SocialBits
AOL's UK-US Dom-sub chat room and meets
See Subject 3.1.2 for non-UK specific BDSM channels.
See Subject 2.9 for more general information about IRC.
------------------------------
Subject: 7.3.5 Liberty. UK anti-censorship campaign. Leydig trust.
http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~sfc/
Sexual Freedom Coalition
http://users.ox.ac.uk/~liberty/index.html
Liberty
date: Sun, 1 Nov 2009 00:59:04 -0400
author: Autoposter
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