I need Info on local billiard halls....Please

Also, while I'm at it, newbies, after reading the bulk of the stuff
put out here I am sure many of you can help with my little problem.

After years of training and practice I can now shite perfectly shaped
shites, blunt at one end tapered at the other, (I have been told that
this stops the anus from closing with a bang. Evolution again. Closing
with a bang would have been a dead give away to predators!!), 9 to 12
inchers in length with a girth of 3inches without 'em touching the
cheeks of my arse. Not only that but my eyes no longer water nor do
they sink into the back of my head as the shit pulls away, my ears no
longer pop, and I don't feel it tear away from my inside and my arse
no longer gets frayed at the end . Its not perfect yet.  I still have
to use my rectal sphincter muscles to control the thickness and shape
so that my rectum does not get badly stretched and I still feel it
pull away from the back of my throat(!). Another thing skid marks no
longer appear. That's a bonus! The only annoying  problems I have
occur after I have eaten pop corn. On the way out it feels like little
razor blades and pins. Also the shite is not so well shaped. The other
is the colour. It sometimes appears quite black. I put this down to
what I am drinking at the weekend. 

I have lately been informed of a gentleman who can pass lengths of
shite shapped like guitars, violins, the head of Elvis but is having
difficulty trying to do them in the shape HRH Prince of Wales...its
his ears. That seems to be the sticking problem. He has not, to my
knowledge, explained how he achieves this. I would like to know.

In the interests of perfection I would be interested in any advice
given.